We arrived a little late (thanks to me waiting until last minute to get my car inspected), but all the ladies were very welcoming. I had seen all of them before. Turns out they are all members of my mom's womens small group at church. I had that thought running through my head, "Oh great. I can only imagine the stuff they've heard about me. Not good." Our teacher was Diane, who was very excited and so patient with all of us, whom had no clue what we were doing.
As nervous as I was about making a fool out of myself, we were ready to begin. We started off with a blank canvas that we had to paint a background on. Diane asked us our color choices and then we created the background by blending those colors. I was more intrigued by all the different color combination's the other women were choosing. After that we painted the letters of our one word with colors that would really stand out on the canvas. Diane then instructed us to go pick out things to put on our canvas that were in relation to the word that we chose and that were important to us and our walk with God. As I walked around looking for items I was really checking out the other ladies "one little words". They were so into it. They were putting all these trinkets and things on their canvas. Perfectly placed like it was God himself who had put them there. I looked at my not so pretty background and painted letters and thought there was no way that ugly thing would ever be pretty enough to show anyone. But with the help of Diane's adopted daughters I was able to get started and my ugly canvas was starting to look like something. I just didn't know what. I had so much stuff on my canvas I didn't know what to do with all of it. Diane told me it's not about having a lot of stuff, or having them perfectly placed. That's when I started to get it... I'm not perfect either, so stop trying to achieve perfection in everything I do.
My word, and my mom's word was "Trust". This is a very small word, that has big meaning for me because I don't trust a lot people... and was really having a hard time trusting God. Just the past ten months have been very challenging for Mac and I. His mother who is physically disabled and mentally unstable had been living with us for the past seven months. I cannot begin to describe how bad it was. I will just say that when your dog has to be prescribed Prozac for anxiety, it's not good. And no I didn't give it to him, but had contemplated taking it my myself many times. There were many days that I prayed for her to get well enough to go back to her own home and let Mac and I finally enjoy being newlyweds, but it didn't happen, so I lost trust in God. He wasn't answering my prayers. On top of that, and only a select few family members and friends know this, but Mackie and I have been trying to conceive our first child for 18 months now. We have put our faith and I thought our trust in God but it wasn't until I went to Diane's house that I realized that I haven't really been trusting him at all. I said I did, but deep inside I knew I didn't. I couldn't. Pat was still living my house and he hadn't given Mackie and I our hearts desire yet. Why should I trust him?
As I sat there placing the trinkets and gadgets on the canvas I realized that I needed to put my Heavenly Father first and to trust in him 100%. Pat wasn't still living with us because God wanted to irritate me. She was still there because Mac needed time to feel secure with his decision to let her go back home. I wasn't thinking about his feelings. Just my own. And as far as having a baby goes... we're not being punished. Its in God's time, not ours. He knows what is best for us. I have resolved that I do TRUST the LORD and that if it's his will for us to have a baby, then we will. And if we don't, then I TRUST him fully to know that there's purpose behind that. I may not know what that purpose is here on this earth, but I will know what it is when I finally meet him.
We are all blank canvases in the beginning... its the choices we make in this life that fill up our canvas.
Here are a few pictures from that life changing day.
If you are interested in learning more about "One Little Word", please check out Diane's blog. She's amazing and so glad that she is apart of our church family at New Hope!
