Moving On to Procedure #5... FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer)

We had our follow-up appointment today. It went as expected. Dr. Greenhouse diagnosed me with tubal disease. Turns out that my tubes were not blocked, but they were not functioning either. So what happened was that the embryos that were transferred back into me on December 6 made their way to my left tube, and because my tube was diseased it couldn't spit them back out into my uterus. So the embryos implanted into my left tube where they continued to grow. They were shocked at how big the sac was, which led them to believe that it was multiples that implanted.

So we are moving on and going to try the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) with the two embryos that were frozen last cycle. The FET cycle will start as soon as my period starts, which will hopefully be this week some time. The protocol is a little different then the fresh IVF cycles.

Cycle Starts (period)
Birth Control Pills (2-3 weeks)
Delestrogen (Intra-Muscular Injection) - Every three days for two weeks.
Progesterone (Intra-Muscular Injection) - Twice daily for at least six weeks.
Transfer

It seems that this cycle will last around 6-7 weeks, not including the dreaded two week wait.

As far as how I'm doing now... it gets better with every day that passes. The pain from the Carbon Dioxide Gas (CDG) is starting to decrease as the CDG seeps out of my system... slowly. I'm still in a considerable amount of pain, but it is getting better. Once the CDG is out of my system I will have to deal with the pain of the actual surgery/incisions. I'm sure it's not going to be that bad. I am just overly anxious to get this next cycle started.

Thank you for all the well wishes and prayers. We're so blessed to have you in our lives.

Stay tuned...

Week 6 - IVF #2 Journey... Not So Merry Christmas!

The week of Christmas was going better then any week in the past few months. I received a call Monday by nurse whom told me that we were in fact pregnant... very very pregnant. My beta numbers were 1500. Wednesday my beta numbers were 2549. Thursday my beta numbers were 3501. We were so excited... so excited!!!! Conception was on Mac's birthday and the due date was my mom's birthday. That night I had some break through bleeding, so my doctor wanted me to come in the next morning for an early ultrasound.

The morning of Christmas Eve was not suppose to start the way it did. Mac and I got up and went to the doctor to for a first ultrasound to see if we could see any signs of our baby in my uterus. What we got was something that left us speechless, crying and devastated. Dr. Nair (a specialist at SGFC in Rockville) showed us a big sac with an already formed yolk sac in my left fallopian tube. Shock took over my body. We were escorted to a meeting room, one that I have been in before, to discuss our options. There didn't seem like there was much we could do. Doctor Nair insisted that I get the Methrotrexate (chemo) shot again to try and dissolve the pregnancy. I refused. I just felt like it was useless because last time I had to get two shots and neither worked. She continued to tell me how important it was to either get the shot today or have surgery. I refused both and left, but not before she made me sign a piece of paper that said I understood that I could get home and die tonight if the ectopic pregnancy was to rupture. I signed and left. There were a lot of tears shed on the way home.

I decided to finish my shopping, so Mac went his way and I went mine. I had just taken the first sip out of my Venti White Chocolate Mocha w/Extra Whip (no decaf), when I got a call from my own doctor who insisted I get to the hospital immediately because the pictures didn't look good. SON OF A B! He told me to get on the road and he would try and reach the ER doctor at Holy Cross Hospital. I was pissed at this point. I was going to lose my baby on Christmas Eve. Just not a good day. I decided to go finish some more shopping and finish up my WCM. Please keep in mind I hadn't had Starbucks since mid November. Actually haven't had coffee at all since mid November, so I was going to finish it dang it. I ran into my sister Brandy in the parking lot, which was comforting to see her at that time.

I was waiting in a really really long line at Toys R Us in Kingstowne when I got the call from the ER surgeon who said he would see me shortly. Yeah right, he's going to have to wait, I have one more stop.

I finished got home and Mac was waiting for me... devastated that we had to go through this yet again... and especially tonight. We made it to the hospital around 2:15pm. I was going into surgery around 5:15pm. What a nightmare!!!! The doctor came and told Mac that I had made it just in time because the tube had already ruptured and I was bleeding internally in my abdomen. He got it out just in time. He said I probably wouldn't have made it through the night because I would have bled out.

Christmas Day I managed to make it over to my moms. It was great to be with the family. I really needed that support from them. It's been a few days and I am still in a lot of pain. Not so much from the three nasty incisions I have again, but from all the Carbon Dioxide Gas that is still in my body. It takes a while to get out of my system and I can't get comfortable. The gas seeps up to my shoulders causing excruciating pain and also sits on my diaphragm causing me not to be able to breathe. Its very painful. I have to sleep sitting straight up. Literally. Mac has been great, but I believe is getting sick of me always wincing because of the pain. I have meds and trust me, I've been taking them, but it takes at least two or three to even knock me out enough not to feel anything. The last ectopic was nothing like this.

So that's where we are now. We have a meeting with our doctor on Wednesday to discuss the next steps. I now have no fallopian tubes, so what's the chance of another tubal pregnancy? What's the chance of another ectopic pregnancy? We have a lot of questions. And Mac is NOT happy, so he plans on being a little more firm about this. Whatever happens again, I'm prepared for it.

Even though we suffered a devastating loss this Christmas holiday, it was still a great Christmas because I was with family. God answered that prayer for me. I guess he knew what I was going to need.

Stay tuned as I will let you know what happens at the meeting Wednesday.

Week 3 - IVF #2 Journey... Freezing Going On!

So I just got a call and wanted to share with all of you. Out of the remaining embryos we had leftover after the transfer, two of them made it to extended Blastocyst stage, which means they are now Cyropreserved (frozen). I am so excited I could jump around, but I'm not allowed to do any activities for another few days, so I am settled here in my chair about to bust a stitch with excitement.

I know some of you are wondering why I'm so excited. The news is like a double-edge sword. In one way it's good because if this #2 cycle doesn't work, then we can move right on to #3 and use the frozen embryos instead of doing another fresh cycle. It means WAY less injections (meds). However, the downside of that is not having this cycle work. We would much rather have this cycle be positive and not have to worry about using the two frozen embies for a while. So you see... in a way it's good and in a way its not so good. I won't say it's bad, because there's nothing bad about it. The embryo quality is good or they would not have frozen them to begin with. It gives us a little bit of extra hope because the two they transferred on Monday were the two best embryos out of them all. Hope that makes sense.

Please know that its hard for someone like me to get excited about anything because of the constant disappointments in my life. I am prepared for whatever results we receive in a few weeks... good or bad... I am prepared because I gave it up to God a while ago. Doesn't mean that my heart doesn't break a little more with each negative result. But I know that God's hands are wiping each tear that falls.

My great friend Nancy sent an email a little while ago with a verse at the top... its one of my favorites... and for some reason has just been sitting in me since I read it. Right after receiving her email, I got the call with the good news. I know its God giving me what I need today. Thanks Nancy.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Have to run, but just wanted to send out a quick update.

Stay tuned...

Week 3 - IVF #2 Journey... Embryos Safe and Hopefully Sound!

The day of the transfer (Monday) was a special one... Mac's birthday! How cool would that be to have conceived our baby on its fathers birthday? Very cool if you're us! It started out very stressful, but our nerves were quickly calmed when our doctor walked through the door of the transfer room. What you need to understand is that through all our procedures, 2 IUI's and one IVF, we've never had "our" actual doctor perform a procedure. He works out of the Fair Oaks office most of the time, so we get to see a couple other doctors throughout this whole process, but we were pleasantly surprised to see Dr. Greenhouse. It was really cool having him do the transfer because we are very comfort with him and he knows everything about us from start to finish.

He started the appointment by letting me know that we had a number of embryos that they were going to watch for the next few days to see how they do, but that so far we had three embryos that made it to the Blastocyst stage and that they looked beautiful. He said they look better than the last embryos we transferred, that hadn't even made it to the Blast stage. He decided that we were going to transfer two of the best looking embryos. We are waiting on a call to find out how many, if any of the leftover embryos, made it to Freeze. We're hoping!!!

Mac got to watch the entire transfer this time. Last time he was on his new Droid X and didn't watch. This time he got to watch everything. I don't think he had a clue what he was seeing on the ultrasound. LOL. Once the transfer was complete they gave us a picture of our little embies. See photo attached below. Sorry it's not the best quality, but I took it with my phone.



I've been at home for two days. The doctors say bed rest for 24 hours, but I took an extra day to be safe. It maybe all psychological, but oh well. It's now a waiting game, which can be at times the worst part of the whole process. Typical implantation should happen between day 1 - day 5 of transfer. We are two days post transfer and I have been taking it easy. I'm sure Mac is ready for me to get back up on my feet again. My back is killing me, and it seems all I've done is work, so I'm ready too.

Our Beta (blood pregnancy test) is scheduled for December 20th. I don't know how much i'll be updating on here since there won't be much to talk about, but we'll see.

Week 3 - IVF #2 Journey... Transfer Set

I received a call yesterday, two days post retrieval, with an update. Out of the 12 eggs that fertilized, not many are doing well. We had two 2-cell embryos, four 4-cell embryos, 5 fragmenting, and one arrested. He said they planned on doing a Day 3 Transfer, which would be today. My nurse call later in the day to let me know that if my embryos continued to do great, they would most likely want to move to a Day 5 Blast Transfer.

Just got a call letting me know that they have moved us to a Day 5 Transfer. I hope, based on her voicemail, that means that our embryos are growing/dividing at a great pace. But we won't know for sure until we talk to our doctor. He's suppose to call today around 11am.

Mac is out hanging Christmas lights now (I hear a lot of thumping on the roof). I'm watching "A Christmas Carol (1938)", shocker. My favorite movie. I'm trying to get motivated to get up and hit up Home Goods and Pier 1, just to look around. Today is "Feed My Starving Children" at church. We'll be packaging food for kids all around the world. I can't wait to do Gods work today.

Hope you all have a blessed day. Stay tuned...

Week 3 - IVF #2 Journey... Who Made It?

At work today. Not sure what possessed me to come back today, but I'm here and pretty busy. I'm still in a fair amount of pain, but I can work through it. Tomorrow is our annual holiday luncheon here at work and I really hope I get my appetite back. It's at the Capitol Grille, and if any of you have been there then you know why I want my appetite back. Haha!

Just received a call from my nurse. Out of the 19 eggs retrieved, 14 were mature, 5 were immature, 2 of the 14 dissolved, which means that 12 of the eggs were fertilized. Now we just wait to see if the five end up maturing or dissolve, and hopefully the 12 that fertilized will start dividing quickly. It's less then the first cycle, but I'm not discouraged because in the end, all it takes it ONE.

Expecting a call around 11am tomorrow, so stay tuned...

Week 2 - IVF #2 Journey... Egg Retrieval Done!

The morning started off a little stressful. We did what we did and had two hours to get the precious cargo to surgical center. I kept the cargo nice and warm by carrying it in my bra. Hey, don't laugh. The little guys need to stay warm during transport. Haha! The egg retrieval time was scheduled for 11am, but we needed to be in Rockville at 9:30am. Anyone who lives in this area knows that trying to go from Springfield, VA to Rockville, MD on a Wednesday morning at the height of rush hour in the rain, with construction on 495, can be very frustrating. Thanks to Mac we made it there by 8:45am. We had to wait longer then normal because another patient was stuck in traffic. I wasn't mad because her retrieval was scheduled for 9:45am and I know how stressed out she must have been. I hope her retrieval was successful.

There were about six other women having retrievals during the time I was there. One woman didn't have any eggs retrieved. I wanted to cry for her. The second woman had seven. The norm is 10-12. The third woman had 4. At this point I was worried on how we would make out. It was now my turn. The anesthesiologist came in (he's the best), hooked me up and off we went. About 30 minutes later I was wheeled out into recovery. I'm not even sure how long I was out before they tried to wake me up. I was in A LOT of pain, so they quickly gave me some meds in my IV and I was back out again sleeping. This time I woke up in a little less pain. Upon leaving they let us know that all went great and they retrieved 19 eggs. I was so out of it I didn't say anything but I heard Mac say, "19? Really? 19?" It didn't hit me until I got home. Mac made me a bagel before heading off to work. He said the reason I am in so much pain is because of the amount and size of the eggs.

I'm still out of it right now. Mac made me dinner and I'm about ready to go back to sleep now that I have a full belly. I should be getting a call around noon tomorrow with the results of the first 24 hours. I'm optimistic, but I'm not above believing that all 19 didn't fertilize. I know how these things work. I will be happy if only a few fertilize, but the more that do, the better our chances. I pray that they fertilize and start dividing much quicker then they last cycle.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Stay tuned...

Week 2 - IVF #2 Journey... Ready, Set, TRIGGER!!!!

Halllllo! I wish you could hear me say that. Over the weekend we went to Ford's Theatre to see Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol". They really interact with the audience and the women would walk right up to us and say, "Hallllo!". I absolutely love it. It's the best way to kick off the holiday season.


Back to the reason why I'm blogging at 9:33pm on a Monday night. Tonight's the night. It's TRIGGER TIME!!! I'm not as nervous as I was last time because they gave me a smaller needle again. Yay! We have to trigger at 11pm. I am trying to stay up, but I doubt that's going to happen, it's already past my bed time.


Tomorrow is a free day. No meds, but I still have to be at the doctors for bloodwork at 7:30am. What was I thinking?


Egg Retrieval will be on Wednesday morning at 11am. When I got a call from my nurse today she said that I was responding beautifully this cycle. They measured 14 follicles that were all over 18. That's exciting.


I'm still feeling sick to my stomach, but they confirmed again today it's from the really high estrogen levels, which are well over 3000+.


Stay tuned...

Week 1 - #2 Journey... Not so Hungry on Thanksgiving!

It's the evening of Thanksgiving and I should be sitting here in a food coma, but I'm not. I thought I'd send a quick update since things are progressing at a much faster rate then last cycle. It seems everyday something changes, so I want to make sure I keep you filled in.

I spent my morning soaking in a hot bath to try to get rid of these chills. Didn't work, but felt good. Went to the doctors for monitoring. They measured six follies, three were greater then 10 and three were less then 10. Not sure why they chose only to measure six, but they know what they are doing. I add the third medication (Cetrotide) in tonight. Then start taking that every morning, with the usual at night. I HATE this medication. The injection itself isn't that bad, but the medicine burns going in. Not looking forward to this. Mac's mixing up all the doses now. Hold please... going to take the shots now.

SON... OF... A... FUDGE... CICLE... SHOOT... DAAAAAANG... that hurt!!!!! I'm okay, I'm okay, just me being a baby because Mac hit a blood vessel.

Anyhow... Mac had to take me to the doctor this morning because I was too weak to drive myself. My nurse Chris confirmed the reason I am so sick. And when I say sick, I don't mean with a cold. I mean... constant nausea, headaches, weakness, dizziness, chills, bloated (like my ovaries are going to burst right through my stomach), can barely drink anything, and before today, I hadn't eaten anything in three days. I can tell you with 100% accuracy that last cycle was NOTHING like this cycle. I asked my nurse to do a check on where I am now versus where I was at this point last cycle. That is when she confirmed why I am so sick. My estrogen levels last cycle on day 7 (today) were pushing 250. My estrogen level on day 7 of this cycle... 1500+. So it's the good old estrogen that is causing me to feel this crappy. Thanks Mrs. E!!!! Or since I'm feeling so irritable thanks to you, maybe I should address you as Mrs. B!!!! After my visit I headed home with a perscription of Zofran for the nausea. Thank you to whoever came up with that concoction. I HEART YOU!!!!

Before I pass out for the evening, I wanted to let all of my friends, family and followers know just how thankful I am to have you in my life. This Thanksgiving has been especially hard because my family is so disconnected emotionally/physically and because of all that Mac and I have been through and are going through during this time. I know that I could have gotten through it on my own, but I am sure glad that I didn't have to. Knowing all of you care and are praying for us means so much to us and we feel so blessed to have you in our lives.

My most sincere thanks goes to my Heavenly Father for Blessing me daily. He continues to come through for me in ways that are unexplainable. Some may question how I can be so thankful when we haven't been blessed with a baby after trying for two years, and it's fine to question that, but let me help you understand why I'm so thankful. It's quite simple... my reward will be in Heaven.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." - Psalm 107:1

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!!!!!

Week 1 - IVF #2 Journey... 22 Follies and counting!

I'm laid up again. This time I've managed to make a permanent spot on the couch. My neck and back issues have been flaring up since I've been laying around. I still cannot eat and keeping fluids down is not going as planned. Nothing is pleasing... you know what I mean... when you smell something, look at something, or think of drinking/eating something and your mouth starts filling up with saliva? Ugh... nasty feeling!

I went back to the doctors again this morning. They gave me the news that I have 22 follicles already. This could be the reason for why I have been so sick and weak. They have cut back my doses again, so now I'm on 300iu's of Gonal-F and the same 150iu's of Luveris. I'm hoping that this means I'll start feeling better. I have to go back to the doctors tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork. Yes, that's right, on Thanksgiving.

Not sure if its because I'm sick and not really myself right now, but I'm just not feeling very confident about this cycle. Things are progressing way too fast. Last cycle things took too long and now they are going to fast. I have this feeling they are going to cancel this cycle. I'm not emotional about it either way. I have given all of this over to the Lord, so it's not for me to worry about anymore.

I will keep you posted after I get the results from tomorrow's appointment. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

IVF #2 - Hurry Up!

Hey friends and family... well its almost that time. We're patiently waiting for my next cycle to begin. For once in my life... I wish mother nature would hurry up and knock on my door. I know ladies, you cringe at the thought, but for me it means I'm one step closer to starting treatment. So I am shouting to the sky... BRING IT ON MOTHER NATURE... BRING... IT... ON!!!!!!!!!!

I received my meds last week. Nothing like having to have them delivered to work and have your coworkers comment on why someone would put such a large FedEx box in the refrigerator. 'Um, hands off buddy. Don't you see that's marked 'PERSONAL & CONFIDENTIAL'?'. So this time in my lovely box that you could fit a Barbie van in, I have the following:

Lupron
Luveris
Gonal-F Pens
Cetrotide
Estradidol
Endometrium Vag Suppositories
Zithromax
40 injection needles... yes I said 40 (does not include the gonal-f injections)

I'm ready for it to begin and so is Mac. He's becoming a pro at giving me the injections and well... I'm still a wimp when it comes to receiving them.

Stay tuned ladies and gentlemen. Wait... do I even have any male followers? Hmm? Either way, stayed tuned for this next chapter of our lives to begin. I'll let you know as soon as we turn the page.

What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive…

What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive…

•That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
•That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
•That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.
•That the longer you TTC (Trying To Conceive), the more PG (Pregnant) women spring up around you.
•That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
•That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM (Cervical Mucus) or CP (Cervical Position) to see if it is your fertile period.
•That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.
•That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
•That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm
•That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month
•That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant.
•That you have no control over some of the goals you set.
•That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!
•That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
•That miscarriage is so common.
•That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.
•That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.
•That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!
•That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.
•That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),
•That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or hip every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.
•That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
•That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.
•That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".
•That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!
•That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
•That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
•That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unnecessary.
•That I would be happy to see abundant cervical fluid and tell my DH (Darling Husband) about it.
•That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
•That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.
•That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my bungalow in Hawaii by now.
•That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.
•That having AF show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.
•That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
•Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.
•That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
•That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to TTC.
•That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.
•That infertility is more common than you think.
•That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a cup.
•That one day all of this will make us stronger.
•That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).
•That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
•That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
•That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would fight back the tears upon hearing their news.
•That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.
•That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies.
•That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.
•That I'd discover who my true friends are, both in real life and online.
•That I'd pray for something to be wrong with me just so I could have an answer to what's wrong with me.
•That I would know about other peoples' BD (Baby Dancing), CP, CM but not know their real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.
•That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).
•That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) against my wishes)
•That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today?"
•That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. I had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.
•That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.
•That I should have become a gyno - which I think at this point I know more then some.
•That some people just say the wrong things.
•That a simple blood test costs $648!
•That sex would ever become a chore.
•That actually having a miscarriage would allow me to understand the loss that others have felt.
•That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."
•That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!
•That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have (DH, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!
•That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
•That I would be so sad, and ashamed.
•That I would learn to speak in code – like: I checked CM which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, DH won't let me for fear of BFN. Which really reads: I checked "Cervical Mucus" which was "Eggwhite Cervical Mucus" but when I will "Pee On A Stick" who knows, "Darling Husband" won't let me for fear of "Big Fat No".
•That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
•That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, because your FM says high or peak.
•That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.
•That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.
•That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.
•That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days, and then chicken out.
•That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months of TTC...)
•That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"
•That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would infuriate me beyond belief.
•That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.
•That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.
•That I would have to help DH do it in a cup.
•That my friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 or #3 before we get pregnant with #1.
•That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the question, "So, when are ya'll going to have children?"
•That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."
•That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.
•That it puts this much strain on a marriage.
•That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!
•It's good to know I am not alone.
•That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk me out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.
•That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")
•That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.
•That a friend would hide and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset.
•That your body has its own mind.
•That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.
•That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what you’re waiting for.
•That the broken heart you feel each month is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.
•That you feel useless as a female and wife.
•That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children.
•That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right amount of the required "hormones" or doing what it should know how to do.
•That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
•That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.
•That my faith in God would be tested heavily.

Welcome to my life!

IVF #2 on Hold

Just received a call from my fertility specialist. We are going to take a cycle off and let my body rest and rejuvenate. The next cycle we will start after this fresh cycle ends. We're hoping to regroup mid November.

The protocol is a little different. I don't have to take the birth control pills (thank goodness), but there could be a drawback to that if it doesn't go the way the doctor wants. At the next cycle we will start taking the injections again, just much high dosages then last time. At the time of transfer they will actually do a procedure called Assisted Hatching.

The concept is that some embryos may need some help escaping from within their shells - so that they can implant in the mother's uterine lining. Assisted Hatching is performed the following ways:

1. The embryo is held with a specialized holding pipette.
2. A very delicate, hollow needle is used to expel an acidic solution against the outer "shell" (zona pellucida) of the embryo.
3. A small hole is made in the shell by digesting it with the acidic solution.
4. The embryo is then washed and put back in culture in the incubator.
5. The embryo transfer procedure is done shortly after the hatching procedure. Embryo transfer places the embryos in the woman's uterus where they will hopefully implant and develop to result in a live birth.

I will be back to post more later.

Week 9 - IVF Journey... Completed!!!!

I just received the confirmation call that the pregnancy test was in fact negative. I'm okay right now. Thank you all for your comments, emails and phone calls expressing your love, concern and support. It means a lot to me to know I have such a great support system.

Waiting for my doctor to call me back with my next protocol. My nurse says it will probably be the same because I am an "above average" responder to the meds. I will have to do either 14 or 21 days of BCP (birth control pills) again. I hate it, but that's what he wants me to do, so I'll do it.

I was watching a Joyce Meyers broadcast yesterday that helped me to realize that I need to release my faith. I have faith but I need to trust God fully. I have to stop worrying, stop being confused, and stop trying to change things. If they haven't been changed yet then God doesn't want them to be changed.

I need to surrender to him!!!!! I need to lean on him!!!!!

"’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’" Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. ²³"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. ²⁴Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:22-24


Tonight Marty has a football game that I'm not going to miss. On the way I am going to stop at Starbucks and get a Grande White Mocha, Extra Whip. Yes, I said Extra Whip. I believe I have earned the right to have it now. I will give it up again in a few weeks when we start our IVF #2 cycle.

I will try and keep my blog updated with new IVF information and the latest on our struggles with Dexter.

Keep those prayers coming and I promise to try to be more optimistic on our next go round. Love you all!

Week 8 - IVF Journey... Cycle #1 Comes to a End

Saturday night was a disaster. I don't know what happened but I ended up getting really sick. I won't go into details but lets just say that it started at 9pm Saturday night and continued until 11am Sunday morning. Because of the severity of the symptoms I called Shady Grove and they wanted me to come to there ER right away. They thought it might be OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome). Its excessive stimulation of the ovaries. It can be serious, if you are pregnant. We drove to Rockville where they did a vaginal ultrasound and found nothing wrong. The sent me to the ER off Beulah. They hooked me up to IVs because I was dehydrated and since there was a chance I could be pregnant, they did a pregnancy test just to be sure. They gave me Zofran (anti nauseau meds) and Tylenol for the pain. About an hour later then came in and told me my Beta was "0". I looked at the paper and wanted to break down. Mac asked what that meant and she told us that we were not pregnant.

I emailed my doctor as soon as I got home to see if I should quit taking my meds. He said that he wanted me to come in on Wednesday to take a test in his office, but since my Beta was "0" at the hospital, he wasn't hopeful that anything would change. We're suppose to talk later in the week on when we can start IVF cycle #2.

I decided to stay home today because I'm still not feeling well. As I sit here and type this, I am sad but not surprised. I look at the picture of our two embryos sitting on my end table and some how just not shocked that this cycle failed. I was hopeful throughout this cycle, but still had doubts.

What saddens me most is that I feel like a failure as a woman and a wife. I can't give Mac a child of his own. What is wrong with me?

Week 7 - IVF Journey... Nothing to Freeze :(

I know I said yesterday that my blog was on hold, but I had to let you know that I received a call from my nurse this morning. She was checking up on me, but also needed to let me know that none of the remaining embryos we had leftover made it. One made it to Blastocyst stage but quickly arrested. That means that none of our embryos could be frozen. It basically boils down to that my embryos really weren't that viable, and that if this cycle fails then I will have to go through all the shots again.

Of course now I am feeling a bit discouraged. She told me the two they transferred looked great and I shouldn't be worried. However, anyone that knows me knows I'm going to worry and going to think the worst. She said the pregnancy rate for transfers at our stage is 50%-60%. I know that's a good percentage, but I can't help to wonder if I just have bad eggs. It's a little disheartening to know that the rest of the embies didn't survive and that the two we have now may not progress either.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Week 7 - IVF Journey... Cavitating Embryos Transfered

Only have a minute but wanted to update you.

As of Thursday evening we were still on hold because as I told you before, our embryos had slowed down. I got a call Friday morning around 9:30am from my doctor saying that our embryos kicked it into high gear and had grown a lot overnight. Four out of the 11 had grown to the Cavitating stage. This is considered an Early Blastocyst (in between a Morula and Blastocyst). The others were not as progressed and one of them had "arrested". He said we were all set for a Day 5 Transfer but it wasn't going to be at a Blastocyst stage. He was optimistic that they could be Blastocysts by the time we had the transfer, but couldn't promise that. We decided to transfer two of the best embryos, even if they were only at the Cavitating stage.

We arrived in Rockville at 1:00m and the transfer took place at 1:45pm exactly. It was neat to watch them transfer them. It was an "aww" moment when they came in and handed Mac a sonogram picture and said, "Here's a picture of your babies." I wanted to cry, but I held it together. I've attached the pictures for your viewing pleasure.

We are optimistic, hopeful and prayerful that our embryoswill implant themselves and in nine months we will be posting pics. But we are also realists, so we will be patient and we will trust what God decides for us.

Thank you all for your continued you prayers. We still need them. This is where my IVF journey blog will come to a halt (unless something happens). My next post will be the answer to the question I know I will be asked a million times over... "Well... did it work... are you pregnant?"

Stayed tuned...

Week 7 - IVF Journey... Embies Have Slowed Down

I just got my daily update from my doctor. He said that my embryos are growing slower then what they would like to see at this point, but that Day 4 is almost a nebulous day anyway. They are all at or around the 6-8cell range. He said that tomorrow could be completely different and they could start growing rapidly. We're scheduled for a transfer of two embryos for tomorrow but he believes he is going to push it to Day 6 because of the slow growth. I am sad right now because we've gone through enough. I've heard and read that Day 6 transfers don't have a good success rate. That it's possible, but the numbers aren't in our favor.

Thinking I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself right now so I don't have much to say. :(

Week 7 - IVF Journey... Divide and Conquer

Just hung up with the doctor. Here are our stats for today. Out of the 11 embryos, 2 of them are only at the 3-cell stage. The rest divided into either 5-8 cells. I got a little quiet on the phone. My doctor quickly said, "Oh no Brit, this isn't a bad phone call. It's good news. They are growing the way we want them to."

Swoosh, okay, so we will go on to tomorrow still praying that our embryos will continue to divide and conquer. Tomorrow is Day 4 and we're looking for a higher division of cells and even possibly the 8-cells to have formed into a "morula". Here is a picture of an 8-cell embryo and a morula.

Marty has a football game tonight, so I'm going to watch and enjoy my evening and try not to think of our dividing embryos. LOL.

Stay tuned...

Week 6 - IVF Journey... We Have EMBRYOS!!!!

Just got a call from the doctor. He says were looking good so far. Out of the 11 fertilized eggs we now have 11 embryos. Out of the 11 embryos, 7 embryos have divided into 2 cells and 4 embryos have divided into 4 cells. The doctor said they like to see the embryos dividing into between 2 - 4 cells at this stage, so it looks like we are in good shape. Here are a couple pics of what a 2 cell embryo and 4 cell embryo look like.




He will call again tomorrow, but it looks like we aren't going to do the Day 3 Embryo Transfer, we'll stick it out to the Day 5 Blastocyst Transfer. Tomorrow we are praying for numbers between 6-8 cells. Hopefully all of them divide over the next 24 hours.

This is good news and I'm going to embrace the moment and give thanks to God. The glory goes to him.

Stay tuned...

Week 6 - IVF Journey... The #'s Are In

Its one day after the egg retrieval and I'm laying here with Dex and Zelda watching "Bringing Baby Home". I know I shouldn't be watching these types of shows, but I can't help it. It's kinda like watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and not being engaged. I'm a sucker for happy endings.

I'm not feeling so good. Still in some pain, feeling nauseous and a little out of it. Other then that I'm good. Just got a call from my doctor who gave me some news... drum roll please...

Out of the 15 eggs they retrieved, 14 of them fertilized. Out of the 14, three fertilized abnormally so they couldn't use those, which means that 11 of them fertilized normally. I will find out tomorrow how many out of the 11 made it through today and have divided into embryos. Doc said that this is an excellent start.

I thank God for hearing your prayers. I am feeling optimistic but also know that I will accept whatever God has in store for me (us).

I'm going to take a nap. Stay tuned...

Week 6 - IVF Journey... Egg Retrieval

I don't have a lot of energy to write today but I thought I would give a quick update.

The day started off early for a Sunday since we had to be there at 8am and had only two hours to get Mac's swimmers there. We got up around 6am to get our fresh sample. I walked the dogs and Mac went over to his mom's house to take care of her since he wouldn't be able to go back over there the rest of the day. We left the house at 7am for our trip to Shady Grove in Rockville, MD. We arrived around 7:30am and were taken back right away. After getting an IV and almost gagging to death because Mac was passing gas (and laughing hysterically), they finally took me back around 9:28am. I remember laying on the table, putting my legs in these really cool stirrup type things, listening to the nurse with a dallas cowboys beanie on sing and ........ . I woke up in recovery... in a lot of pain. Stayed there about 40 minutes because I wouldn't wake up fully. Finally it was on home to sleep some more. Mac got me settled and then went to Bob Evan's to get me some french toast. I've been sleeping on and off and trying not to take pain meds, but I broke down because I'm hurting.

The good news... the retrieved 15 eggs!!!! I'm waiting for a call from the nurse to let me know how things are looking. I should know tomorrow how many eggs out of the 15 were fertilized. I should know by Tuesday how many fertilized eggs turned into embryos. I should know by Wednesday how many embryos are dividing to the Blastocyst stage. The transfer of the Blastocysts should be Friday.

I'll try to post as soon as I get an update.

Thank you all for your prayers. They are still needed because IVF is not guaranteed. Once the Blastocyst is transferred it still has to implant itself. So I ask for continued prayers for Gods will to be done.

Stay tuned...

Week 6 - IVF Journey... The Time Has Come!

I received a call from the OR nurse at Shady Grove around 7pm last night. She let me know that I would be triggering at 9:30pm. That meant I only had a couple hours left and my nerves were shot. I have been dreading this day. By the time I knew it I had cleaned most of the house and it was five minutes until the shot. I guess I was trying to keep myself busy. Mac got everything mixed and ready to go. At 9:28pm I lied face down on the bed... freaking out... at 9:30pm I asked Mac to hurry up and he said, "I'm done." Hmm... seriously? Really? I barely felt it. I split the credit and give 3/4 to God and 1/4 to Mac for his good dart skills. Ha.

This morning I got up, took care of the dogs, got my hair done, went shopping for a friends wedding next weekend, then stopped by my sisters house. I had the pleasure of driving my 14 year old nephew to a party. I love when I get to spend time with him. Seems like he's so busy now that he's a Freshman. Who am I getting... he's been the busiest kid I've ever known. I've always had to schedule time with him. I got to see my neice for a few minutes, inbetween her playing dress up with her friend. My sisters house is always chaotic, but I love it and brings to light how much I love my crazy family!

Week 6 - IVF Journey... Even More Tests

I don't have a lot to update. I went in for blood work and an ultrasound yesterday morning. I got freaked out because the two doctors doing the ultrasound found an area outside my uterine cavity. At the time they are probing me they start discussing what it could be and how it looks. I'm like, "Uh, excuse me... I'm down here. Could you let me know what's going on?" The nice young doctor that looks just like the Ken doll said it wasn't bad. That they had seen the same spot on my MET and they weren't that concerned. They were worried it could be a cyst growing, but they said as long as it wasn't in piercing through my uterine cavity that we should be good. "Should?" I don't like that. The young nurse who resembles Tina Fey said that I shouldn't worry myself and that everything else looks good. I had a couple of 19cm, 18cm, 17cm, 16cm, 15cm follicles and to wait for a call from my doctor or nurse that afternoon. I met with another nurse after cleaning myself up and expressed my sincere dissatisfaction of having to take an injection in the hip. I believe I went from negotiating, to asking, to downright begging her to give me a smaller needle. And to my chagrin... I WON!!!! I still have a 22.5" gauge needle that needs to go into my hip, but it's much shorter. I'm fine with that because the entire needle needs to be pushed in. Of course I have to ask my main nurse if it's fine. If she says yes then I won't be as nervous. If she says no, let the tears commence. Yes, I am a big baby and I HATE needles. I have been stuck 32 times in my stomach since 09/11 and eight times in the arm. I think I reserve the right to be a little bit of a baby when it comes to this trigger shot in the hip.

This morning yet again I went in for blood work and an ultrasound. They saw some 22cm, 21cm, 20cm, 19cm, and 18cm. The rest were all under 18cm. As I was getting dressed I peaked at the screen and it said I had six follicles over 18cm. My right ovary has four and my left has two. Funny how my right ovary is more active then my left seeing how I don't have a right fallopian tube anymore. The body is amazing. The doctor didn't mention the spot they found yesterday, so maybe they aren't that concerned.

Again, I have to wait for them to call me this afternoon to let me know what the deal is. I am hoping that we trigger tonight and have the egg retrieval on Sunday. I hate to miss church but I believe we'll have to for this.

Stay tuned.

Week 6 - IVF Journey... More Tests

Quick update... I had more blood drawn and another ultrasound. I have two follicles measuring at 16mm, a bunch measuring at 15mm and some measuring at 13mm. They are very happy with the number of follicles I currently have growing. My endometrium lining thickness looks good too. They want to see it over 8mm and mine is greater than 9mm. They are pleased with how I am responding, even if it's at a slower than normal pace.

I have attached a pic of what I see daily as I walk through the doors of the building that Shady Grove is in. Its a long walk to the elevators. It would be nice to have some artwork to look at, especially on the days where I'm just not feeling so hot.


Waiting on a call from my nurse to see what my E2 levels are today. Yesterday it was at 1967. Rising nicely, but still taking the Cetrotide so I don't ovulate on my own. My body is doing some whacky stuff... I feel like a teenager again. Seriously! I have been breaking out bad, bloated, cranky and emotional. Women... I know you know how I'm feeling. Can I get an Amen?!?

Stay tuned...

Week 6 - IVF Journey

I'm a day early I know, but I had some time and a lot has happened since my last post.

So I'm on CD12 (Cycle Day 12) and feeling like an over-inflated balloon. I have been stuck about 31 times with a needle in the past 11 days. This past Saturday they added a 3rd shot (Cetrotide) to my IVF protocol. I get that injection in the stomach every morning. The other two (Gonal-F & Luveris) are still every evening in my stomach. We've been rotating sides daily... left one day, right the next. My stomach is beginning to resemble a child's art work. I often hear diabetics say they feel like a human pin cushion and well... I can sympathize. Mac was in a hurry yesterday and injected the needle into a blood vessel (not his fault). I have a nice bruise... my first one. I have tons of little tiny hole marks but this was my first official bruise. Of course it had to be the medicine that stings going in, so the pain was intensified. I have started to ice my skin for 3 minutes prior to injections. It helps some, but it's not full proof.

I have been to five doctors appointments in the past eight days. I am now on the daily plan, so I will go every morning for the next week and a half. Every visit I have to get blood drawn and a vaginal ultrasound. When your ovaries are stretched to the limit, a Vag US is not pleasant. Yesterday my E2 (Estrogen) was at 1379. Good, but my ovaries are taking their time. They decreased the amount of medicine, but not the amount of injections. Does that make sense? I'm still being stuck the same amount of times a day, just not with as much medicine. Today my ultrasound showed that the follicles in both ovaries are growing... just slowly. I have a lot of follicles but I have eight that are greater then 10mm in size. They are now at 13.5mm. They would like them at 18mm or greater before we'll move on to the actual Egg Retrieval. I'm waiting on a call back from my nurse to let me know what my E2 is today. My guess is it will be high, but hopefully not too high. They don't want me to ovulate on my own. If my follicles kick it into 5th gear then we could be doing the procedure this week. If they don't, then it looks like we'll be triggering (a shot into my hip that will send my body into ovulation within 36 hours) on Friday or Saturday night. That means the actual procedure will be on Sunday or Monday morning. If it's on Monday then I only have to work two days next week. LOL... is it bad that I just put that into the equation?

So here we are. Just waiting. In the meantime, I want to repost a message from a fellow blogger who is going through this same journey. I can relate so much to what she writes. You never think there's anyone out there that could be so similar... but I think I found my soul's twin.

This is from Mary: Today's topic is infertility pet peeves! Since I've begun this infertility journey, I've been surprised at how insensitive people can be. To be fair, I have not disclosed my situation to most people I know simply because I don't want to be defined by it. (I have told only a handful of people about this blog.) Maybe I don't have a right to expect a lot of sensitivity when I haven't shared what I'm going through, but come on people, put on your thinking caps for just a second: I've been married for 11 years, and I don't have children…perhaps there is a reason. So, here are some humdingers I've heard in recent years.

1. You have some catching up to do. A woman struck up a conversation with me at a party with the all-time favorite question "Do you have children?" When I said no, I got the follow-up question "How long have you been married?" When I said 10 years, she looked dumbfounded. Then she said, "Well, you have some catching up to do." Yep, you're right. Would you like to pay for my next IVF cycle?

2. Others' family planning. I have a friend who told me "I'm going to get pregnant in the next month or two so I can have the baby before our trip to Disney World next year." Oh. How nice you can plan it like that. And, it actually WORKED.

3. Look on the bright side. Don't you just hate people who say this? Not just for infertility, for anything. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am. Instead of being Little Miss Sunshine, why don't you just stick it where the sun don't shine?

4. Everything happens for a reason. Also known as "whatever is meant to be will be." If there is one thing I have learned, it is that most everything does not happen for a reason. I believe that bad stuff happens to good people for no good reason at all. I believe that there is no good reason for our infertility troubles. It is our responsibility to deal with these challenges and we're learning a lot in the process, but I don't believe it is for any particular reason. And I refuse to surrender to "whatever is meant to be" when I can fight as hard as I can to make my dream become my reality.

5. Backhanded compliments. "You're house is so clean! It must be easy since you don't have kids." Or "You're so skinny…but you haven't had kids yet." Thanks ... wait a minute ... are you implying that if I had kids I would be a fat slob?

6. You should adopt. This might seem like the most obvious solution in the world; however, adoption is a very complex, individual decision. Most people don't just wake up and say "Adoption! Why didn't I think of that? Let's go adopt today." I guarantee that every person who has experienced infertility has thought about adoption, but it's not the right answer for everyone. Nor is it easy. I have had several friends who have had wonderful experiences with adoption. I have also had friends who have bonded with a baby when the birth mother changes her mind and takes the baby back. I've had friends spend nearly $100,000 in adoption costs. Trust me, it's complicated. There is no cookie-cutter solution for infertility.

7. Quit your job and you'll get pregnant. Maybe this would work, but I don't have the luxury to find out. I've got to pay for those fertility treatments so I don't really have a choice, do I? And then there's the time someone told me to get pregnant so I could quit my stressful job.

8. I know how you feel. If you are going to say this, you had darn well better know how I feel. When someone truly does, it is incredibly validating and comforting. When someone doesn't, it's just insulting. If you have not been through a gamut of painful medical tests that violate your privacy, or experienced weight gain, hair loss, acne, or mood swings because of fertility drugs, if you have not had to give yourself daily shots in the stomach, if you have not drained your bank account to pay for treatments that don't work, if you have not put your life on hold for years waiting for something to happen, then you cannot possibly know how I feel.

9. God has a plan for you. This statement is back-loaded and complex. I was raised in a very religious home, so it makes me feel disloyal to argue with this. But what about my plans for me? Aren't they important?

10. Just relax, and it will happen. Also known as "be positive!" I cannot express enough loathing for these comments. For the record, we did try this—the whole first year we tried to conceive. At that time, I wasn't worried because I was certain we would get pregnant, and we were three years younger then, so our chances would have been better. However, you can help me feel a little more positive if you come closer so I can kick you in the shins.

Thanks Mary for putting into words what we all feel. As for me, my #1 all time favorite insensitive comment that is not mentioned here is when you are around friends that have kids, who may be acting a little crazy or not to their parents liking, and you get the famous... "Are you sure you want kids???".... Well hmm, let me think about this... you know what, now that I've thought about it, YES!

I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. But I do wish others could understand that choosing to proceed with fertility treatments is a major decision that is physically, mentally, financially and emotionally draining. Thank you to everyone who has been supportive and been kind enough to watch what they say. I love you all.

Stay tuned.

Week 5 - IVF Journey

What another interesting week. Saturday was my 36th birthday and turned out to be a wonderful day. Started off with the pups and I going for a 45 minute walk. Came back home and let Dex and Zelda play with a bunch of toys they haven't seen in a while. Dex was like a kid in a candy store. After an hour of that I put the dogs on a tie out in the front yard while I washed my car. They were so good that I decided to take them for a nice car ride. Both of them love the car. Dex sat tall and proud in the front seat as we rolled down the road. I didn't mention though that this whole time I didn't have Dex's muzzle on. That was amazing. A few hours later Mac and I headed down to Elaine's house for a birthday celebration for Jeff and I. A lot of great friends showed up and we all enjoyed playing corn hole and picking crabs. It was a beautiful day and a wonderful way to spend my birthday. Thank you to everyone who came out.

I started the stimulation drugs on Saturday night. Not fun. I have to take two shots a night. The first is Gonal-F and second is Luveris. I can deal with the Gonal-F, but the Luveris stings bad when it goes in. Thankfully I only have a few more days of this. I went in yesterday for more blood work and another ultrasound. Everything looked good and my levels were where they are suppose to be. They think if I keep continuing down this road, we will probably do the Trigger the night of the 20th, the Egg Retrieval on the 22nd or 23rd, then the Egg Transfer on the 25th or 27th. Doctor wants me to continue the Gonal-F and Luveris for one more day and come back and see him. So that means tomorrow morning I will be back in the office giving more blood and letting them take another peak at my insides. Fun stuff right? I'm getting used to this.

So far this process has been pretty smooth, but I am very stressed about having to take the Lupron Trigger shot. I'm just not a fan of getting shot in the hip. I mean been there, done that. I am having a hard time with that and keep trying to get out of it. So far I'm not having any luck. Mac doesn't seem too nervous about giving it to me, but me... I'm freaking out! And I know it only takes less then a minute, but DANG IT... IT HURTS!!!! They did say I could ice the skin for three minutes before hand, but I some how doubt that is going to lessen the pain.

I will know more tomorrow after I get back from the doctors. I will post the results when I hear.

Week 4 - IVF Journey

For those that follow me on Facebook, you know I've been having a bad three weeks emotionally trying to deal with Dex's behavioral issues. I am so emotionally and mentally drained from thinking about it everyday, so this has not been a good week. My heart is hurting. Sorry if my post today is not very uplifting.

The MET went good. A little uncomfortable, but it wasn't too bad. I have to remember not to hold my breath during these types of procedures. It doesn't help as much as I think it does. Everything looked good. They saw nothing crazy, so we move on to the next step.

We had our injections class right after the MET procedure. We've taken the short class before, but this was a two hour class. There were only two men in the room, and Mac was one of them. He's such a good man. He sat through a slide show that had various pictures of a vagina and how a normal cycle works from the beginning to menstruation. Bless his heart, he is a trooper. Men in general like hands on, so I knew as soon as he saw all the needles in front of us he would perk up. He's pretty good at giving me injections already, but he learned how to give me one in the hip as well. The instructor made him show her and the class how he holds the needle, which she said to hold in as if it were a dart. She gave us a fake butt cheek and that is what he practiced on. When he showed the whole class, everyone's face showed (except the other gentlemen) shear panic. I wanted to fall out. Even the instruction said, "Oh, uh, yeah. A little softer this time. Remember you're not playing darts, just hold it like one." She looked at me as if to say, 'I feel sorry for you.' Haha. I trust him and have faith that he will not hurt me too bad. I mean there's only so much he can do since it's a shot in my hip. That's just bad any way you look at it.

So Tuesday I took my last BC pill. I am SO happy. Those things were horrible. I have gained at least 7lbs in three weeks from being on them. The constant bloating, irritability, nausea, etc was just too much. But I am done with them for now. I had blood work and an ultrasound done yesterday and everything looks good. The doctor said that my ovaries are "quiet", which is what they want. I received my box full of meds yesterday... yay. I start stemming with my first two injections on Saturday. If all goes well the two procedures should be some time the week of September 26.

Week 3 - IVF Journey

Ok, WOW, what a week. For starters, the evening of my last post was a nightmare. My pup got scared and redirected his fear at me and I ended up in the hospital. He left two nice size holes in my arm, close to my elbow. One is healing great and the other was way deep and is taking it's time healing. That depth of that hole was about 3/4 the length of his bottom canine tooth. If you know Dexter... that's a big tooth. Haha. Anyway, other then having to take these nasty antibiotics (making me very sick), and some residual pain in my arm, I'm good. And I am not mad at Dex, and no I'm not putting him down or rehoming him. He is mine, I love him. He just has some behavioral issues that we are going to try to work through. I'm not giving up on him.

I am finally getting use to the BC pills. I have a couple more weeks and I'm done with those. Yay. But then comes the other nasty meds. I got my protocol sheet and it looks like I'm doing the Lupron Trigger Protocol. Here is what it looks like for me:

Medications:

• Birth Control Pills - 21-day pack
• Cetrotide Syringes - Daily injections (in my stomach)
• Gonadotropin FSH (Gonal F) and Luveris - Daily injections (in my stomach)
• Lupron w/1ml luerlock syringe, 22g 1.5" needle - Intramuscular (in my behind)
• Zithromax
• Estrace - Daily after egg retrieval
• Endometrin - Daily after egg retrieval
• Children's Aspirin - Daily
• Prenatal Vitamin - Daily
• HCG - Intramuscular (in my behind again)

So there you go. Looks like fun huh?

I go tomorrow morning for the MET and injections class. Wish me luck!!!!

Week 2 - IVF Journey

So today starts two weeks into our IVF treatments. I am getting used to the pills now. I still have stomach pains and headaches daily but the nausea has gone away. For now. I got a call from my nurse and we setup my MET (Mock Embryo Transfer) and the two hour injections class that both Mac and I have to attend. I'm only going to the class to take notes. I can't look at those needles, therefore I do not give myself the shots. I would pass out if I had to. Thank God I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband that wants to help. Wait... is it that he wants to help or that he gets some sort of sick pleasure from jabbing a sharp metal object into my stomach every day? Hmm? LOL... I'm just kidding. I know I have a great man and am thankful for that.

So both things are being done on September 2nd. The MET (Mock Embryo Transfer) is just that... a mock drill for the real thing that will happen some time mid September. It measures the angle and depth of my cervix and uterus and the thickness of my uterine lining. They do this by inserting a long catheter through my cervix to my uterus. It's necessary to ensure the actual embryo transfer goes smoothly and embryo implantation is optimized. Doesn't that sound lovely. Oh and I forgot to mention that I have to do this with a full bladder. Yup... I know... fun!!!

That's all I have for now. Need to go feed myself because these pills make me hungry. Another bad side effect. I love food so it's not all that bad... but I could do without the weight gain and bloated feeling all day. Yuck!

Week 1 - IVF Journey

So we just got back from the beach yesterday, wishing I was still there, but its nice to sleep in my own bed. We started the treatments on Wednesday and its been crap. I have to take birth control pills for 21 days before the fun 10-12 days of injections start. The pills are the worst and making me very sick. I wake up nauseous with sharp shooting stomach pains. I don't miss these things at all. They suck big time. I have 17 days left and I hope they go by fast.

I'm going to lay down now. Will post again soon.

Our IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization) Journey

I'm sorry I've been out of touch. I know it's been a couple months since I last updated about our struggles with conceiving. I'm here now and going to try to fill you in without missing something, but a lot has happened in our lives.

For starters, Mac and I were told by our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) that we could do another IUI cycle and risk having another ectopic pregnancy (your chance doubles when you've had one previously), or we could go forth with IVF. Those three letters send a wave of emotions through my body every time I say them. I spent a lot of time asking why this was happening to us. "I can't believe we have to go through this... we're healthy 35 year olds... what's the problem?" Well I'm done asking because I get no where. The more I ask the more I stay in this place of self pity. After a lot of discussion, we decided that we wanted to do this, but we had to come up with the money. I had half of the cost in a savings account that I received from my accident settlement and the other half we would need to get a loan. Yikes! We already had two car loans, a mortgage and an used up equity line of credit loan... what were we to do? One of the options was to decrease some of the loan amounts, but no dice for the mortgages or the car loans. Mac made a decision and traded in his fully loaded 2006 Dodge Magnum R/T w/a HEMI and custom wheels. That car was his baby, but now he was making a sacrifice so he could try to have a baby of his own. I was in awe of his commitment to see this through to the end.

After we made the decision to go forth with IVF, we talked to our RE and he wanted us to take two months off to make sure the chemo drugs were out of my system. He gave us an option of doing one IVF treatment per cycle or try their Shared Risk Program (SRP). The SRP allows couples who don't have any insurance coverage for IVF to try up to six times for one flat rate. If you don't get a live birth after six tries you get a full refund. We can also cancel at anytime and get a full refund. Once we gave the the okay I had to go in for a few tests and since all came back good our RE went ahead and presented our case to the SRP committee. They approved us for the program and a contract was drawn up. We just got the contract last night and I delivered it this morning with the full payment. We're on our way!!!!!

I will start the medical treatments as soon as my next cycle starts, which should be in the next two weeks. The IVF process takes longer then a normal cycle and an IUI cycle, so we want to get started now. We have to go to a self injections class (two hours long) so Mac can learn how to mix the meds and then inject them into my stomach. He got pretty good at this with the last two IUI cycles, but now the injections have tripled. Then I have to go through a Mock Embryo Transfer. Not looking forward to it. The first IVF process from day one should last approximately 26-30 days.

My protocol looks like this:

Step One - Ovulation Induction

Hormone injections are given to stimulate multiple egg production rather than the single egg normally produced by the body each month. Daily gonadotropin injections are then added to stimulate the development of the eggs (3 to 4 shots a day for 10-14 days). These are usually given subcutaneously (under the skin) and are much less uncomfortable than the previous generations of medication. I will then go to the doctors every few days so they can monitor the progress of ovulation induction with ultrasounds and blood estrogen levels. Once I'm ready to trigger Mac will need to give me an injection in the rear... not looking forward to that at all.

Step Two - Egg Retrieval

An egg retrieval is performed by placing a special needle into the ovarian follicle and removing the fluid that contains the egg. This is a relatively minor procedure and is performed by visualizing the follicles with a vaginal ultrasound probe. A needle is directed alongside the probe, through the vaginal wall, and into the ovary. To avoid any discomfort, strong, short acting intravenous sedation is provided.

Step Three - Fertilization and Embryo Culture

Once the follicular fluid is removed from the follicle, the eggs are identified by the embryologist and placed into an incubator. The eggs are fertilized with sperm later that day by conventional insemination (meaning Mac's swimmers have to do the work).

During conventional insemination approximately 50,000 sperm are placed with each egg in a culture dish and left together overnight to undergo the fertilization process.

The eggs will be checked the following day to document fertilization and again the next day to evaluate for early cell division. They are now called embryos and are placed in a solution called media to promote growth.

On day two or three after fertilization, the embryos will be evaluated for blastocyst culture. If there is a sufficient number of dividing embryos they will be placed in special blastocyst media and grown for two or three additional days.

Step Four - Embryo Transfer

Embryos may be transferred on day 3, 5, or 6 after egg retrieval. Transfers on day 5 or 6 are called Blastocyst Transfers. They are placed through the cervix into the uterine cavity using a small, soft catheter. This procedure usually requires no anesthesia. It is similar to the Mock Embryo Transfer which will be performed prior to the actual IVF cycle. I'm pretty sure that I may have to get the anesthesia.

Step 5 - Testing for Pregnancy

If I'm pregnant, they will follow my progress with blood work and ultrasounds for four weeks before referring me back to my obstetrician for continued care.

So now you have an idea of what we're willing to go through to have a child of our own. It's not for the faint of heart. You have to be mentally, physically and emotionally strong. Don't get me wrong, I have my weak moments, but I also have God walking with me through this journey and he is who gives me strength.

"The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him." - Exodus 15-2

Thank you for following along on this incredible roller coaster ride with us. Stay tuned for updates and I will try to do better at updating our blog.

LY!

Baby by Justin Beiber (acoustic cover)

Our TTC Journey - Condensed

I have finally decided to talk about our journey to have a baby. It's a very private and personal journey with a lot of highs and lows. I have found that it helps to talk about it. We have been trying to conveive for 22 months. We thought that we could do it on our own, but after a year of trying, we finally made the dreaded appointment with a Fertility Specialist at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic. We were sent for several tests and both of us were fine (normal). There was no reason for why we haven't been able to conceive, so we fell into that group cateorgized as "Unexplained Infertility".

Definition of unexplained infertility:
Infertility cases in which the standard infertility testing has not found a cause for the failure to conceive. Unexplained infertility is also referred to as idiopathic infertility. Another way to explain it is the "doctors can't figure it out" group.

We were told that we could continue to try on our own, but the chance of us conceiving naturally was only 3%. Very shocking to hear. We were advised that we were good candidates for the IUI w/injections program. IUI stands for Interuterine Insemination. That is where they take a fresh sample from Mac, wash it and weed out any bad swimmers and keep only the good. Then with a long catheter, the specialist will insert the sample directly into my uterus, bypassing the cervix. It sounds complicated but the process is vitually pain free and takes about five minutes. Before the actual procedure, at the start of a new cycle, I will take a few medicines, two of which are injections that Mac will administer in my stomach. We decided that we would give it a try.

The first IUI was in January and failed. The second IUI was put on hold because the injectable medicines had left two very large cysts on my right ovary. We held off an entire cycle (30 days, but felt like 60). We did the third IUI procedure on April 11. On April 26 we found out I was pregnant, but my beta numbers were very low. I had to go back on April 28 for more testing and my betas numbers were still low but rising. Back again on April 30 and the same results. Our doctors said they were cautiously opptimistic but they thought I was either going to miscarry or have a possible ectopic pregnancy. The next week would prove to be a very discouraging week. It was confirmed on May 5 that we were pregnant but that it was ectopic (in my right tube). They administered three shots in my hips that morning. Two were called Methotrexate (a chemotherapy drug that stops the growth of rapidly dividing cells, such as embryonic, fetal, and early placenta cells.) and one called Rhogan. We found out that I was Rh Negative and this shot protects me from making antibodies to Rh-positive blood. After two more days of beta tests my numbers continued to increase. On Mothers Day I was instructed to have an ob ultrasound and a second round of Methotrexate. That was a pretty depressing day. Most women are celebrating being mothers and I was saying goodbye to our baby.

Over the next few days, we mourned but we had also resolved that it just wasn't in Gods plan at this time. We were ready to move on with treatments as soon as the doctor gave us the go ahead. I went back to the doctor that week for another beta test and ultrasound. We got the news we were dreading. My numbers were still increasing and emergency Laproscopic surgery was needed. We were sent to Holy Cross Hospital and in a couple hours I was taken back to the OR. Everything was happening so fast. I was so scared and nervous. I was in good hands according to the fertility specialists and hospital. Within six hours we were on our way home... in a lot of pain both physcially and emotionally. The doctor found the pregnancy in my right tube and it has grown so much that my entire tube had to be removed. They also did a D&C at the same time and found that my uterus was clear and my left tube was clean. That was good news... I think.

For the next few days until present day I have been resting and just taking it easy. I am still in a great deal of pain physically (four holes and two incisions in my stomach), and had an allergic reaction to the Betadine they used. But everyday is getting a little better. I have been doing a lot of personal reflection and taking time to consider our next move, which seems to be IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). I was told this morning that we would have to wait at least two months before we could try again. It will be a very long two months, if not longer.

Mac and I know that we are very blessed to have been able to get pregnant at all. We are hopeful that the future will bring us a little one... or two. We put all our trust in God. Only he knows what the outcome will be. We are going to take one day at a time. If its in his plans we will praise him... if its not in his plans we will praise him.

Someone sent me this video and it hits so close to home for Mac and I. It sums up what we are feeling and what we have been going through. Turn it up!

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

"One Little Word" Project Day

On Saturday, March 6th, mom and I set out early to spend a few hours crafting a "One Little Word" piece of art. It was being held at a lady's house from church. I was a little skeptical at first because I don't know these women and I don't have an artistic bone in my body. If there isn't dirt, a bat, a ball, a pole, a worm or a hook, I'm pretty much out of my element. I decided as I was getting ready that morning to just let God take over me and guide my hand on the canvas.

We arrived a little late (thanks to me waiting until last minute to get my car inspected), but all the ladies were very welcoming. I had seen all of them before. Turns out they are all members of my mom's womens small group at church. I had that thought running through my head, "Oh great. I can only imagine the stuff they've heard about me. Not good." Our teacher was Diane, who was very excited and so patient with all of us, whom had no clue what we were doing.

As nervous as I was about making a fool out of myself, we were ready to begin. We started off with a blank canvas that we had to paint a background on. Diane asked us our color choices and then we created the background by blending those colors. I was more intrigued by all the different color combination's the other women were choosing. After that we painted the letters of our one word with colors that would really stand out on the canvas. Diane then instructed us to go pick out things to put on our canvas that were in relation to the word that we chose and that were important to us and our walk with God. As I walked around looking for items I was really checking out the other ladies "one little words". They were so into it. They were putting all these trinkets and things on their canvas. Perfectly placed like it was God himself who had put them there. I looked at my not so pretty background and painted letters and thought there was no way that ugly thing would ever be pretty enough to show anyone. But with the help of Diane's adopted daughters I was able to get started and my ugly canvas was starting to look like something. I just didn't know what. I had so much stuff on my canvas I didn't know what to do with all of it. Diane told me it's not about having a lot of stuff, or having them perfectly placed. That's when I started to get it... I'm not perfect either, so stop trying to achieve perfection in everything I do.

My word, and my mom's word was "Trust". This is a very small word, that has big meaning for me because I don't trust a lot people... and was really having a hard time trusting God. Just the past ten months have been very challenging for Mac and I. His mother who is physically disabled and mentally unstable had been living with us for the past seven months. I cannot begin to describe how bad it was. I will just say that when your dog has to be prescribed Prozac for anxiety, it's not good. And no I didn't give it to him, but had contemplated taking it my myself many times. There were many days that I prayed for her to get well enough to go back to her own home and let Mac and I finally enjoy being newlyweds, but it didn't happen, so I lost trust in God. He wasn't answering my prayers. On top of that, and only a select few family members and friends know this, but Mackie and I have been trying to conceive our first child for 18 months now. We have put our faith and I thought our trust in God but it wasn't until I went to Diane's house that I realized that I haven't really been trusting him at all. I said I did, but deep inside I knew I didn't. I couldn't. Pat was still living my house and he hadn't given Mackie and I our hearts desire yet. Why should I trust him?

As I sat there placing the trinkets and gadgets on the canvas I realized that I needed to put my Heavenly Father first and to trust in him 100%. Pat wasn't still living with us because God wanted to irritate me. She was still there because Mac needed time to feel secure with his decision to let her go back home. I wasn't thinking about his feelings. Just my own. And as far as having a baby goes... we're not being punished. Its in God's time, not ours. He knows what is best for us. I have resolved that I do TRUST the LORD and that if it's his will for us to have a baby, then we will. And if we don't, then I TRUST him fully to know that there's purpose behind that. I may not know what that purpose is here on this earth, but I will know what it is when I finally meet him.

We are all blank canvases in the beginning... its the choices we make in this life that fill up our canvas.

Here are a few pictures from that life changing day.








If you are interested in learning more about "One Little Word", please check out Diane's blog. She's amazing and so glad that she is apart of our church family at New Hope!