A Difficult Journey and A Frozen Start!

The past year has no doubt been a difficult one, but these past few weeks I have been on a crazy roller-coaster ride of emotions. Worse then the Dominator at Kings Dominion. There are the days where I am in a dark place and don’t want the world to see me. Then there are the days were I am optimistic, upbeat and sing loudly in my car without a care in the world. But then there are the days where I don’t know what I’m feeling… when the forces are pulling me in two different directions and I’m stuck in the middle. This is not a pleasant place. I just want to feel something on these days and the struggle is often too much to bare.

A very dear friend of mine said to me a couple days ago, “You’re in a good mood!”. That’s when it hit me… am I? I guess on that day I was in a good mood. I woke up refreshed after having had a very uncomfortable colonoscopy the day before. I woke up optimistic that since nothing was wrong with me other then some (TMI ALERT – TMI ALERT – TMI ALERT) internal hemorrhoids, that we could go forth with the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) as soon as I started my next cycle.

Fast-forward to this morning. As I’m driving to work I was reading the most recent FB (Facebook) status updates from my FB family/friends. A loving friend of mine commented on an update I sent the night before, “I wonder what life would be like, if we let Jesus live through you and me.” It’s lyrics to a Christian song I was singing at the time. She said to me, “The thought of it warms my heart. I say I want to do it, but do I really listen and follow everything he says? What is it that keeps me from doing it? Food for thought today…”. As I read that it didn’t take but one second for me to answer those questions she has been pondering. For me the answers were a resounding, ‘no, I don’t really listen and follow everything he says, and it’s me that is keeping me from doing it.’ I realize that I have obstacles to overcome, like Dexter’s behavioral issues, some family issues, and of course the dreaded infertility issues… but are those enough to really keep me from being happy?

In those 30 seconds sitting at a red light on Edsall Road, it hit me. I am the only one standing in the way of my happiness. I know I should be listening more and obeying God’s word, but I’m not. I can’t answer why, other then that I am a selfish human being who thinks even though I love God and trust in him, it will all just work itself out. I’m smarter than that. I know it won’t just ‘work itself out’. If I want true happiness and joy, I need to get down to business and start listening to God more and putting what I hear to practice.

I am not one to make resolutions anymore, but I am going to try my hardest to listen to God more this year. I do my part by praying, but its not enough. I hear God telling me to read my bible more and to spend more quality time with him, so that is what I’m going to attempt to do more of this year. If you have a nagging thought going on and on and on and you don’t know what it is… its probably God talking to you. Be open to accept what he has to say.

The next thing I have decided to be better at is inviting my friends to church. I think we all need it. It’s one thing to have a relationship with God, but it’s another to be in a church and connected to like-minded people. My family has grown three-fold over the past few years and I have my church to thank for that. There is no better feeling then to know 1) you are loved by God and 2) you have your church family praying for you. Sunday mornings are something that I look forward to. I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life, new friends and old friends rekindled. As of late, I have had the opportunity to interact with a really good friends kids. She has three boys, Kyle, Justin and Tyler. Beautiful blessed boys!!!! It is one of the best highlights of my week. Not a care in the world, curious, and loving, they make me smile every time I get to see them. I see the way Mac interacts with the three of them and it warms my heart. At times it hurts my heart because I long for him to be able to do that with his own kids, but it warms my heart more then anything. Who knows, we may never be able to have our own children, but we can still give our love away to others. The other week one of the twins walked up to me and threw his little arms around my neck and just held me. I’m sure he felt like I was holding him, but what he doesn’t realize is that he was holding me. At that very moment I needed a hug and God delivered it to me in the form of a beautiful blessed little boy.

That is what happiness is!

Empty and Broken

I don't know what is going on with me, but this week I have felt so broken and empty. This is not a feeling that I like right now or one that I have very often, despite my struggles. I know a lot of my aches and pains come from battling both infertility and the issues with Dexter. I feel like such a failure to myself, my husband, Dexter and Zelda. I feel as if I am letting all of us down. Because of this I am becoming increasing irritable with things that normally don't bother me. As I sit here at work (yes, I said at work) listening to someone clank their spoon against their bowl trying to get the last bit of oatmeal off the sides, I am seething. I never say anything, I just let the irritability party happen inside.

I think it's evident that I feel less of a woman now because I will never be able to conceive a child naturally, but that isn't the sole reason for the emptiness I am feeling. I wish I could put my finger on the pulse of why this is happening.

I know a lot of it has to do with Dexter. How could I rescue him at six months and now at 32 months we're contemplating euthanasia for his aggression. We are the problem, not him. I feel that way. I can't comprehend him just becoming like this because of bad breeding. My heart aches for him when I think about the life he's living inside. I know if I hate feeling this way, he has to as well. I just can't help but feel that there is something... someone... better out their for him. At times he's so happy and other times he's so sad. We can't roll around with him the way we do with Zelda. We can't play fetch the way we use to. What kind of life is that? He spends his days sleeping and his night getting belly rubs and praise when he's calm. What kind of life is that? He has fun running around with Zelda, but what is his purpose? He wears a muzzle in the house because we don't know when he'll snap. What kind of life is that?

I have decide that I am going to take a chance and work with him more outside... do things to stimulate his brain and make them all positive. A lot of fetch and frisbee. I will make sure to keep myself guarded and protected. But this is something I have to do.

I don't feel God in my life right now. I don't know where he is but I want him to come back. I need to feel him again.