I don't know what is going on with me, but this week I have felt so broken and empty. This is not a feeling that I like right now or one that I have very often, despite my struggles. I know a lot of my aches and pains come from battling both infertility and the issues with Dexter. I feel like such a failure to myself, my husband, Dexter and Zelda. I feel as if I am letting all of us down. Because of this I am becoming increasing irritable with things that normally don't bother me. As I sit here at work (yes, I said at work) listening to someone clank their spoon against their bowl trying to get the last bit of oatmeal off the sides, I am seething. I never say anything, I just let the irritability party happen inside.
I think it's evident that I feel less of a woman now because I will never be able to conceive a child naturally, but that isn't the sole reason for the emptiness I am feeling. I wish I could put my finger on the pulse of why this is happening.
I know a lot of it has to do with Dexter. How could I rescue him at six months and now at 32 months we're contemplating euthanasia for his aggression. We are the problem, not him. I feel that way. I can't comprehend him just becoming like this because of bad breeding. My heart aches for him when I think about the life he's living inside. I know if I hate feeling this way, he has to as well. I just can't help but feel that there is something... someone... better out their for him. At times he's so happy and other times he's so sad. We can't roll around with him the way we do with Zelda. We can't play fetch the way we use to. What kind of life is that? He spends his days sleeping and his night getting belly rubs and praise when he's calm. What kind of life is that? He has fun running around with Zelda, but what is his purpose? He wears a muzzle in the house because we don't know when he'll snap. What kind of life is that?
I have decide that I am going to take a chance and work with him more outside... do things to stimulate his brain and make them all positive. A lot of fetch and frisbee. I will make sure to keep myself guarded and protected. But this is something I have to do.
I don't feel God in my life right now. I don't know where he is but I want him to come back. I need to feel him again.
1 comment:
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I think that with AC we all seem to have those days when everything in life seems to be going wrong and we are able to find things to allow us to blame ourselves. Hang in their girl and know that you are not alone; there are many of us out there that go through the same feelings. I really hope that the FET cycle works for you and that things start to turn around for your dog!
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