Week 8 - FET Journey #1... Practicing Patience!

Today is a all about patience. I'm trying to practice great strength in patience as we wait these long couple weeks to find out if it's in God's plan for us to have a baby. Two of my daily devotionals were all about patience. I've listed below the verses that were in the devotionals. I believe God put these there this morning to get my attention.

“Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain.” James 5:7

“I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.” Psalm 40:1

“Tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character.” Romans 5:3b-4a

“As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.” James 5:11

“And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.” Hebrews 6:15

“I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.” Psalm 62:5 NLT

“Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.” Psalm 37:7 NLT

“I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for he has promised.” Psalm 105:5 LB

Stay tuned...

Week 7 - FET Journey #1... Feelin' Fine!!!

So we're closing out week 7 just laying around. I took all last week off to rest my body and mind. Very relaxing! We have good news to share (no don't get that excited), the embryos made it through the thaw beautifully. We went in Monday at 11:30am and at 12:20pm we watched as our two embryos were transferred. We watched on the ultrasound screen as two of the smallest needle pin head sized gems were delicately placed into my uterus. As we were lying still they came in and handed us the picture of our two little gems. Here is a sneak peek of what hopefully has or will be implanting safe and sound into place for the next nine months. The two masses in the center of each, that resemble clumps, are called the ICM (Inner Cell Mass) or cells that develop into a fetus. I will update more as soon as we know something. We won't know for another couple of weeks if it worked, so if you don't hear from me it's because we don't know anything. We thank all of you who prayed for that they make it through the thaw process. This is proof that God does hear our prayers. We're asking for prayers that our gems are snuggled in safe and sound. Stay tuned...

Week 7 - FET #1 Journey... Thawing the Frozen Gems!

Well tomorrow is the big day. We are set for a noon transfer in Rockville. I pray that our two frozen gems make it through the thaw process. The process takes about an hour for them to thaw. Then about an hour for the whole FET procedure to complete. I have decided to take the week off of work. I decided to rest my body for a week instead of a couple days. Not sure if that will help but it sounds like a good idea.

I will post tomorrow if anything good or exciting happens! Please pray for us!

Stay tuned...

Week 5 - FET #1 Journey... Pain in the Rear!

Not much to report. We went in for our pre-FET appointment and all looks good. I started the new injections on Saturday. To prepare myself we went out for a nice dinner at Ozzie's in Fairfax. If you haven't been I highly recommend it. It's a part of the Great American Restaurants chain, which includes Mike's, Silverados, Sweet Water, etc. Anyway, it's gooooood! The shot wasn't as bad as I anticipated, but I did ice for a minute beforehand. Mac is getting so good at this. It's almost scary. I have three more injections before my u/s and b/w appointment on the 16th of March.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling at the moment. I'm not nervous or anxious as before. I'm just empty. Maybe that will change as we get closer to the transfer date. Not sure. Maybe I have too much on my mind. That could be it.

Sorry for the drab post but I'm just not feeling all that happy-go-lucky today.

Stay tuned...

Week 3 - FET #1 Journey... Just Around the Bend!

It's been a few weeks since my last post and a lot has been going on. It might not seem like a lot after you read this, but trust me... I have a lot going on.

I started the nasty dreaded BCP's and have gained about 7lbs in three weeks and don't even ask me how many inches. I wouldn't tell you even if I knew, but lets just put it this way... my thighs are having major issues. My outer thigh seem to want to run away from one another and when I walk it's apparent that they don't want to be friends because one swings to the left and the other swings to the right. My inner thighs are at battle with one another on a daily basis and rubbing each other the wrong way. By the end of the day neither one of them or me is very happy. I refuse to resort to baby power at this point because I'm hoping it's just these stupid pills that are causing this. I have one more week of yellow pills then come on mother nature... show me what you've got. Okay not literally, but bring it on. I'm ready to move forward. As soon as she rears her ugly head we'll start the next round of injections. If I didn't mention it already, I take fewer injections this time, but they are all IM (inter-muscular). Do you remember what that means from our first IVF lesson? If you've been keeping up with my blog you know that it means the injections are given to me in my backside. Uh huh... I'm sure I got a few "eews" and "ows" from some of you. Well it's true, these two shots that I will get once every three days, two and three times a day are rough. They are both oil based, so you can imagine something very thick trying to work it's way through a small needle hole into my big rear end. Yeah, its gonna take a while per injection, so less shots, more pain. Yay!!!!!

Oh did I mention the FET is already set for March 21st? Oh sorry, yes, I was complaining and seeking sympathy for a brief moment. The day is set. I'm nervous, anxious and excited all at the same time. These emotions battle one another daily... much like my inner thighs.

These past few weeks have been crazy. Mostly everything that has taken place has been God driven. He has been speaking to me loud and clear. I started a new bible study, "Jonah - Navigating a Life Interrupted", attended a "Art of Marriage" Conference with Mac, and have started going to my women's small group again after a little hiatus due to work conflicts, personal conflicts and health reasons. Let me tell you, it feels good to be back again and to be able to hear God speaking to me. At times my life seems so interrupted that I block out the ability to be able to hear him. I'm telling you, a lot is going on in me right now and it feels good. There are several words I could use to describe it... loved, joy, happiness, PEACE.

I've had the privilege of God interrupting (intervening) in my life lately. I can't tell you how just yet because right now it's pretty personal between him and I. I've told a few wise counsel, but for the moment Gods telling me to lay low with this. See he knows my feelings on it and he's wanting me to wait until he's ready... plus I think he knows that I'm not quite where he wants me to be. But wow, let me tell you, he's stirring some things up inside of me and it feels GOOD!

You know, there is one resounding question I have gotten over the past few years since starting this blog... "With all you've been through, how can you still believe there is a God that loves you?"

WOW... thanks for asking me that... in a nutshell let me lay it out for you... I'M STILL HERE!!!!

That's right, I'm still here! He loved me enough to save me on that icy night three years ago (February 12, 2008). When that car hit me head on at 65+ mph and my car was smashed up to 12" from my face and I walked away without nothing more then some neck and back issues... you're dang right I believe there is a God that loves me. Yes, I have had my fair share of aches, pains, hurts and heartaches, but listen, I'M STILL HERE!!! I know in my heart that he wouldn't let me go through all of this stuff I've been through the past three years for nothing. My God has bigger plans for me. My God has some awesome stuff waiting for me. I may never know what they are on this side of Heaven but believe me I am fine with that. I trust him and I thank him daily!!!!

I will fill you all in later on this bible study because it's pretty darn good. For now though, I'm going to partake in some guilty pleasure TV. See... I'm far from perfect... but I'm human... I'm a work in progress.

Goodnight and stay tuned!

Week 1 - FET #1 Journey... A Super Sunday!

Today is Super Bowl Sunday! I'm not too excited since my beloved Skins are not in it, but I'm enjoying relaxing and watching football on this beautiful Sunday with my husband and the pups. Today is not only super because of the Super Bowl, but because it's day one of my cycle. This means we get to start our next round of treatments.

I haven't posted in a while so I'll refresh your memory. I have to do 21 days of BCP's (birth control pills), wait to get my next cycle, then start the first round of shots for the FET (Frozen Embyro Transfer). It's just as complicated as the fresh transfers. Once I start the next cycle we'll set a date for the transfer instead of guessing as in past cycles. The only thing I hate is that it's much longer then the fresh cycles. To complicate matters, the embryos have to make it through the thaw stage.

Be sure and check back because I'll be updating more frequently now that we're back in business.

Go PACKERS!!!!

A Difficult Journey and A Frozen Start!

The past year has no doubt been a difficult one, but these past few weeks I have been on a crazy roller-coaster ride of emotions. Worse then the Dominator at Kings Dominion. There are the days where I am in a dark place and don’t want the world to see me. Then there are the days were I am optimistic, upbeat and sing loudly in my car without a care in the world. But then there are the days where I don’t know what I’m feeling… when the forces are pulling me in two different directions and I’m stuck in the middle. This is not a pleasant place. I just want to feel something on these days and the struggle is often too much to bare.

A very dear friend of mine said to me a couple days ago, “You’re in a good mood!”. That’s when it hit me… am I? I guess on that day I was in a good mood. I woke up refreshed after having had a very uncomfortable colonoscopy the day before. I woke up optimistic that since nothing was wrong with me other then some (TMI ALERT – TMI ALERT – TMI ALERT) internal hemorrhoids, that we could go forth with the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) as soon as I started my next cycle.

Fast-forward to this morning. As I’m driving to work I was reading the most recent FB (Facebook) status updates from my FB family/friends. A loving friend of mine commented on an update I sent the night before, “I wonder what life would be like, if we let Jesus live through you and me.” It’s lyrics to a Christian song I was singing at the time. She said to me, “The thought of it warms my heart. I say I want to do it, but do I really listen and follow everything he says? What is it that keeps me from doing it? Food for thought today…”. As I read that it didn’t take but one second for me to answer those questions she has been pondering. For me the answers were a resounding, ‘no, I don’t really listen and follow everything he says, and it’s me that is keeping me from doing it.’ I realize that I have obstacles to overcome, like Dexter’s behavioral issues, some family issues, and of course the dreaded infertility issues… but are those enough to really keep me from being happy?

In those 30 seconds sitting at a red light on Edsall Road, it hit me. I am the only one standing in the way of my happiness. I know I should be listening more and obeying God’s word, but I’m not. I can’t answer why, other then that I am a selfish human being who thinks even though I love God and trust in him, it will all just work itself out. I’m smarter than that. I know it won’t just ‘work itself out’. If I want true happiness and joy, I need to get down to business and start listening to God more and putting what I hear to practice.

I am not one to make resolutions anymore, but I am going to try my hardest to listen to God more this year. I do my part by praying, but its not enough. I hear God telling me to read my bible more and to spend more quality time with him, so that is what I’m going to attempt to do more of this year. If you have a nagging thought going on and on and on and you don’t know what it is… its probably God talking to you. Be open to accept what he has to say.

The next thing I have decided to be better at is inviting my friends to church. I think we all need it. It’s one thing to have a relationship with God, but it’s another to be in a church and connected to like-minded people. My family has grown three-fold over the past few years and I have my church to thank for that. There is no better feeling then to know 1) you are loved by God and 2) you have your church family praying for you. Sunday mornings are something that I look forward to. I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life, new friends and old friends rekindled. As of late, I have had the opportunity to interact with a really good friends kids. She has three boys, Kyle, Justin and Tyler. Beautiful blessed boys!!!! It is one of the best highlights of my week. Not a care in the world, curious, and loving, they make me smile every time I get to see them. I see the way Mac interacts with the three of them and it warms my heart. At times it hurts my heart because I long for him to be able to do that with his own kids, but it warms my heart more then anything. Who knows, we may never be able to have our own children, but we can still give our love away to others. The other week one of the twins walked up to me and threw his little arms around my neck and just held me. I’m sure he felt like I was holding him, but what he doesn’t realize is that he was holding me. At that very moment I needed a hug and God delivered it to me in the form of a beautiful blessed little boy.

That is what happiness is!

Empty and Broken

I don't know what is going on with me, but this week I have felt so broken and empty. This is not a feeling that I like right now or one that I have very often, despite my struggles. I know a lot of my aches and pains come from battling both infertility and the issues with Dexter. I feel like such a failure to myself, my husband, Dexter and Zelda. I feel as if I am letting all of us down. Because of this I am becoming increasing irritable with things that normally don't bother me. As I sit here at work (yes, I said at work) listening to someone clank their spoon against their bowl trying to get the last bit of oatmeal off the sides, I am seething. I never say anything, I just let the irritability party happen inside.

I think it's evident that I feel less of a woman now because I will never be able to conceive a child naturally, but that isn't the sole reason for the emptiness I am feeling. I wish I could put my finger on the pulse of why this is happening.

I know a lot of it has to do with Dexter. How could I rescue him at six months and now at 32 months we're contemplating euthanasia for his aggression. We are the problem, not him. I feel that way. I can't comprehend him just becoming like this because of bad breeding. My heart aches for him when I think about the life he's living inside. I know if I hate feeling this way, he has to as well. I just can't help but feel that there is something... someone... better out their for him. At times he's so happy and other times he's so sad. We can't roll around with him the way we do with Zelda. We can't play fetch the way we use to. What kind of life is that? He spends his days sleeping and his night getting belly rubs and praise when he's calm. What kind of life is that? He has fun running around with Zelda, but what is his purpose? He wears a muzzle in the house because we don't know when he'll snap. What kind of life is that?

I have decide that I am going to take a chance and work with him more outside... do things to stimulate his brain and make them all positive. A lot of fetch and frisbee. I will make sure to keep myself guarded and protected. But this is something I have to do.

I don't feel God in my life right now. I don't know where he is but I want him to come back. I need to feel him again.

Moving On to Procedure #5... FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer)

We had our follow-up appointment today. It went as expected. Dr. Greenhouse diagnosed me with tubal disease. Turns out that my tubes were not blocked, but they were not functioning either. So what happened was that the embryos that were transferred back into me on December 6 made their way to my left tube, and because my tube was diseased it couldn't spit them back out into my uterus. So the embryos implanted into my left tube where they continued to grow. They were shocked at how big the sac was, which led them to believe that it was multiples that implanted.

So we are moving on and going to try the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) with the two embryos that were frozen last cycle. The FET cycle will start as soon as my period starts, which will hopefully be this week some time. The protocol is a little different then the fresh IVF cycles.

Cycle Starts (period)
Birth Control Pills (2-3 weeks)
Delestrogen (Intra-Muscular Injection) - Every three days for two weeks.
Progesterone (Intra-Muscular Injection) - Twice daily for at least six weeks.
Transfer

It seems that this cycle will last around 6-7 weeks, not including the dreaded two week wait.

As far as how I'm doing now... it gets better with every day that passes. The pain from the Carbon Dioxide Gas (CDG) is starting to decrease as the CDG seeps out of my system... slowly. I'm still in a considerable amount of pain, but it is getting better. Once the CDG is out of my system I will have to deal with the pain of the actual surgery/incisions. I'm sure it's not going to be that bad. I am just overly anxious to get this next cycle started.

Thank you for all the well wishes and prayers. We're so blessed to have you in our lives.

Stay tuned...

Week 6 - IVF #2 Journey... Not So Merry Christmas!

The week of Christmas was going better then any week in the past few months. I received a call Monday by nurse whom told me that we were in fact pregnant... very very pregnant. My beta numbers were 1500. Wednesday my beta numbers were 2549. Thursday my beta numbers were 3501. We were so excited... so excited!!!! Conception was on Mac's birthday and the due date was my mom's birthday. That night I had some break through bleeding, so my doctor wanted me to come in the next morning for an early ultrasound.

The morning of Christmas Eve was not suppose to start the way it did. Mac and I got up and went to the doctor to for a first ultrasound to see if we could see any signs of our baby in my uterus. What we got was something that left us speechless, crying and devastated. Dr. Nair (a specialist at SGFC in Rockville) showed us a big sac with an already formed yolk sac in my left fallopian tube. Shock took over my body. We were escorted to a meeting room, one that I have been in before, to discuss our options. There didn't seem like there was much we could do. Doctor Nair insisted that I get the Methrotrexate (chemo) shot again to try and dissolve the pregnancy. I refused. I just felt like it was useless because last time I had to get two shots and neither worked. She continued to tell me how important it was to either get the shot today or have surgery. I refused both and left, but not before she made me sign a piece of paper that said I understood that I could get home and die tonight if the ectopic pregnancy was to rupture. I signed and left. There were a lot of tears shed on the way home.

I decided to finish my shopping, so Mac went his way and I went mine. I had just taken the first sip out of my Venti White Chocolate Mocha w/Extra Whip (no decaf), when I got a call from my own doctor who insisted I get to the hospital immediately because the pictures didn't look good. SON OF A B! He told me to get on the road and he would try and reach the ER doctor at Holy Cross Hospital. I was pissed at this point. I was going to lose my baby on Christmas Eve. Just not a good day. I decided to go finish some more shopping and finish up my WCM. Please keep in mind I hadn't had Starbucks since mid November. Actually haven't had coffee at all since mid November, so I was going to finish it dang it. I ran into my sister Brandy in the parking lot, which was comforting to see her at that time.

I was waiting in a really really long line at Toys R Us in Kingstowne when I got the call from the ER surgeon who said he would see me shortly. Yeah right, he's going to have to wait, I have one more stop.

I finished got home and Mac was waiting for me... devastated that we had to go through this yet again... and especially tonight. We made it to the hospital around 2:15pm. I was going into surgery around 5:15pm. What a nightmare!!!! The doctor came and told Mac that I had made it just in time because the tube had already ruptured and I was bleeding internally in my abdomen. He got it out just in time. He said I probably wouldn't have made it through the night because I would have bled out.

Christmas Day I managed to make it over to my moms. It was great to be with the family. I really needed that support from them. It's been a few days and I am still in a lot of pain. Not so much from the three nasty incisions I have again, but from all the Carbon Dioxide Gas that is still in my body. It takes a while to get out of my system and I can't get comfortable. The gas seeps up to my shoulders causing excruciating pain and also sits on my diaphragm causing me not to be able to breathe. Its very painful. I have to sleep sitting straight up. Literally. Mac has been great, but I believe is getting sick of me always wincing because of the pain. I have meds and trust me, I've been taking them, but it takes at least two or three to even knock me out enough not to feel anything. The last ectopic was nothing like this.

So that's where we are now. We have a meeting with our doctor on Wednesday to discuss the next steps. I now have no fallopian tubes, so what's the chance of another tubal pregnancy? What's the chance of another ectopic pregnancy? We have a lot of questions. And Mac is NOT happy, so he plans on being a little more firm about this. Whatever happens again, I'm prepared for it.

Even though we suffered a devastating loss this Christmas holiday, it was still a great Christmas because I was with family. God answered that prayer for me. I guess he knew what I was going to need.

Stay tuned as I will let you know what happens at the meeting Wednesday.