Losing Zoro - July 16, 2008

We arrived at the Regional Veterinary Referral Center, which also is an emergency hospital, at 8am on the dot. As soon as we walked in Zoro was greeted by some of the staff that he had grown fond of during his eight day stay there. They immediately took him back but Zoro wasn't himself. He could barely walk or breathe. We went outside to get some air and clear our heads.
We knew what we had to do, but waited for the doctor to come out. Finally Dr. Kilrain joined us outside and let us know that Zoro now had developed Diabetes and that his test results for Pancreatitis came back positive. So now our two year old puppy that had been at the hospital for eight days and was diagnosed with T-Cell Leukemia, now has Diabetes, and Pancreatitis too? How did this happen? Our options were to try to continue with the chemo or euthanize him. I hate that word. What an ugly word. We immediately started calling family members and texting friends letting them know that we were going to have to make a decision. We called Zoro's primary vet Dr. Berman and she rushed over. She wanted to double-check and make sure that this was the right thing to do. After talking with Dr. Kilrain and examining Zoro, she said she thought that it would be inhumane to make him suffer any longer. He was fighting for his breath and couldn't even lift his head off the ground. My step dad Sam showed up to say his goodbyes because Zoro loved him so much. They had their own special connection. It's extremely hard for me to type this right now as just the mention of his name has me in tears. After a few emotional phone calls with loved ones, we called the doctor in and told him we were going to let him go. I need to break for a minute...

We went into the room and took some time to sit with Zoro by ourselves. We said our goodbyes and stroked his head and showered him with kisses. Dr. Kilrain came in and asked if we were ready. Of course we're not ready. We all sat on the floor around him. At 10:30am... the the first shot... he's sleeping. The second shot... stopped his heart. My heart was screaming, "No wait, take it back, wake him up, do something, do anything, just bring him back to me." I lost control. He's gone. I stayed a few more minutes and then left. The drive home was silent. When we got home we immediately got Zelda and took her outside but she wouldn't go off the back deck. She stayed so close by our sides. She knew. I know it. We sat out back for a little while because it was Zoro's favorite place to be. Both of us cried and held each other tightly. There was a weird silence during that time. No birds were chirping, no dogs barking, not even sounds of the construction works across the street. It was unexplainable!

That leads me to the here and now. What a way to start our new journey together right? I'm getting better at moving on and Mac has already done that. Everyone handles grief differently. I just wish I could get to that point. When I have my bad days, Mac picks up the slack with Zelda and showers her with lots of hugs and kisses. I cry at least once or twice a day, and some days are worse than others. I don't know why I still have feelings like he's around and just not home. I don't want reality to set in. I just want my baby back!

R.I.P Zoro... you're forever in our hearts!

I wanted to share some pics of Zoro when he was at his happiest. This is the way I want to remember him.