I'm a day early I know, but I had some time and a lot has happened since my last post.
So I'm on CD12 (Cycle Day 12) and feeling like an over-inflated balloon. I have been stuck about 31 times with a needle in the past 11 days. This past Saturday they added a 3rd shot (Cetrotide) to my IVF protocol. I get that injection in the stomach every morning. The other two (Gonal-F & Luveris) are still every evening in my stomach. We've been rotating sides daily... left one day, right the next. My stomach is beginning to resemble a child's art work. I often hear diabetics say they feel like a human pin cushion and well... I can sympathize. Mac was in a hurry yesterday and injected the needle into a blood vessel (not his fault). I have a nice bruise... my first one. I have tons of little tiny hole marks but this was my first official bruise. Of course it had to be the medicine that stings going in, so the pain was intensified. I have started to ice my skin for 3 minutes prior to injections. It helps some, but it's not full proof.
I have been to five doctors appointments in the past eight days. I am now on the daily plan, so I will go every morning for the next week and a half. Every visit I have to get blood drawn and a vaginal ultrasound. When your ovaries are stretched to the limit, a Vag US is not pleasant. Yesterday my E2 (Estrogen) was at 1379. Good, but my ovaries are taking their time. They decreased the amount of medicine, but not the amount of injections. Does that make sense? I'm still being stuck the same amount of times a day, just not with as much medicine. Today my ultrasound showed that the follicles in both ovaries are growing... just slowly. I have a lot of follicles but I have eight that are greater then 10mm in size. They are now at 13.5mm. They would like them at 18mm or greater before we'll move on to the actual Egg Retrieval. I'm waiting on a call back from my nurse to let me know what my E2 is today. My guess is it will be high, but hopefully not too high. They don't want me to ovulate on my own. If my follicles kick it into 5th gear then we could be doing the procedure this week. If they don't, then it looks like we'll be triggering (a shot into my hip that will send my body into ovulation within 36 hours) on Friday or Saturday night. That means the actual procedure will be on Sunday or Monday morning. If it's on Monday then I only have to work two days next week. LOL... is it bad that I just put that into the equation?
So here we are. Just waiting. In the meantime, I want to repost a message from a fellow blogger who is going through this same journey. I can relate so much to what she writes. You never think there's anyone out there that could be so similar... but I think I found my soul's twin.
This is from Mary: Today's topic is infertility pet peeves! Since I've begun this infertility journey, I've been surprised at how insensitive people can be. To be fair, I have not disclosed my situation to most people I know simply because I don't want to be defined by it. (I have told only a handful of people about this blog.) Maybe I don't have a right to expect a lot of sensitivity when I haven't shared what I'm going through, but come on people, put on your thinking caps for just a second: I've been married for 11 years, and I don't have children…perhaps there is a reason. So, here are some humdingers I've heard in recent years.
1. You have some catching up to do. A woman struck up a conversation with me at a party with the all-time favorite question "Do you have children?" When I said no, I got the follow-up question "How long have you been married?" When I said 10 years, she looked dumbfounded. Then she said, "Well, you have some catching up to do." Yep, you're right. Would you like to pay for my next IVF cycle?
2. Others' family planning. I have a friend who told me "I'm going to get pregnant in the next month or two so I can have the baby before our trip to Disney World next year." Oh. How nice you can plan it like that. And, it actually WORKED.
3. Look on the bright side. Don't you just hate people who say this? Not just for infertility, for anything. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am. Instead of being Little Miss Sunshine, why don't you just stick it where the sun don't shine?
4. Everything happens for a reason. Also known as "whatever is meant to be will be." If there is one thing I have learned, it is that most everything does not happen for a reason. I believe that bad stuff happens to good people for no good reason at all. I believe that there is no good reason for our infertility troubles. It is our responsibility to deal with these challenges and we're learning a lot in the process, but I don't believe it is for any particular reason. And I refuse to surrender to "whatever is meant to be" when I can fight as hard as I can to make my dream become my reality.
5. Backhanded compliments. "You're house is so clean! It must be easy since you don't have kids." Or "You're so skinny…but you haven't had kids yet." Thanks ... wait a minute ... are you implying that if I had kids I would be a fat slob?
6. You should adopt. This might seem like the most obvious solution in the world; however, adoption is a very complex, individual decision. Most people don't just wake up and say "Adoption! Why didn't I think of that? Let's go adopt today." I guarantee that every person who has experienced infertility has thought about adoption, but it's not the right answer for everyone. Nor is it easy. I have had several friends who have had wonderful experiences with adoption. I have also had friends who have bonded with a baby when the birth mother changes her mind and takes the baby back. I've had friends spend nearly $100,000 in adoption costs. Trust me, it's complicated. There is no cookie-cutter solution for infertility.
7. Quit your job and you'll get pregnant. Maybe this would work, but I don't have the luxury to find out. I've got to pay for those fertility treatments so I don't really have a choice, do I? And then there's the time someone told me to get pregnant so I could quit my stressful job.
8. I know how you feel. If you are going to say this, you had darn well better know how I feel. When someone truly does, it is incredibly validating and comforting. When someone doesn't, it's just insulting. If you have not been through a gamut of painful medical tests that violate your privacy, or experienced weight gain, hair loss, acne, or mood swings because of fertility drugs, if you have not had to give yourself daily shots in the stomach, if you have not drained your bank account to pay for treatments that don't work, if you have not put your life on hold for years waiting for something to happen, then you cannot possibly know how I feel.
9. God has a plan for you. This statement is back-loaded and complex. I was raised in a very religious home, so it makes me feel disloyal to argue with this. But what about my plans for me? Aren't they important?
10. Just relax, and it will happen. Also known as "be positive!" I cannot express enough loathing for these comments. For the record, we did try this—the whole first year we tried to conceive. At that time, I wasn't worried because I was certain we would get pregnant, and we were three years younger then, so our chances would have been better. However, you can help me feel a little more positive if you come closer so I can kick you in the shins.
Thanks Mary for putting into words what we all feel. As for me, my #1 all time favorite insensitive comment that is not mentioned here is when you are around friends that have kids, who may be acting a little crazy or not to their parents liking, and you get the famous... "Are you sure you want kids???".... Well hmm, let me think about this... you know what, now that I've thought about it, YES!
I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. But I do wish others could understand that choosing to proceed with fertility treatments is a major decision that is physically, mentally, financially and emotionally draining. Thank you to everyone who has been supportive and been kind enough to watch what they say. I love you all.
Stay tuned.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Week 5 - IVF Journey
What another interesting week. Saturday was my 36th birthday and turned out to be a wonderful day. Started off with the pups and I going for a 45 minute walk. Came back home and let Dex and Zelda play with a bunch of toys they haven't seen in a while. Dex was like a kid in a candy store. After an hour of that I put the dogs on a tie out in the front yard while I washed my car. They were so good that I decided to take them for a nice car ride. Both of them love the car. Dex sat tall and proud in the front seat as we rolled down the road. I didn't mention though that this whole time I didn't have Dex's muzzle on. That was amazing. A few hours later Mac and I headed down to Elaine's house for a birthday celebration for Jeff and I. A lot of great friends showed up and we all enjoyed playing corn hole and picking crabs. It was a beautiful day and a wonderful way to spend my birthday. Thank you to everyone who came out.
I started the stimulation drugs on Saturday night. Not fun. I have to take two shots a night. The first is Gonal-F and second is Luveris. I can deal with the Gonal-F, but the Luveris stings bad when it goes in. Thankfully I only have a few more days of this. I went in yesterday for more blood work and another ultrasound. Everything looked good and my levels were where they are suppose to be. They think if I keep continuing down this road, we will probably do the Trigger the night of the 20th, the Egg Retrieval on the 22nd or 23rd, then the Egg Transfer on the 25th or 27th. Doctor wants me to continue the Gonal-F and Luveris for one more day and come back and see him. So that means tomorrow morning I will be back in the office giving more blood and letting them take another peak at my insides. Fun stuff right? I'm getting used to this.
So far this process has been pretty smooth, but I am very stressed about having to take the Lupron Trigger shot. I'm just not a fan of getting shot in the hip. I mean been there, done that. I am having a hard time with that and keep trying to get out of it. So far I'm not having any luck. Mac doesn't seem too nervous about giving it to me, but me... I'm freaking out! And I know it only takes less then a minute, but DANG IT... IT HURTS!!!! They did say I could ice the skin for three minutes before hand, but I some how doubt that is going to lessen the pain.
I will know more tomorrow after I get back from the doctors. I will post the results when I hear.
I started the stimulation drugs on Saturday night. Not fun. I have to take two shots a night. The first is Gonal-F and second is Luveris. I can deal with the Gonal-F, but the Luveris stings bad when it goes in. Thankfully I only have a few more days of this. I went in yesterday for more blood work and another ultrasound. Everything looked good and my levels were where they are suppose to be. They think if I keep continuing down this road, we will probably do the Trigger the night of the 20th, the Egg Retrieval on the 22nd or 23rd, then the Egg Transfer on the 25th or 27th. Doctor wants me to continue the Gonal-F and Luveris for one more day and come back and see him. So that means tomorrow morning I will be back in the office giving more blood and letting them take another peak at my insides. Fun stuff right? I'm getting used to this.
So far this process has been pretty smooth, but I am very stressed about having to take the Lupron Trigger shot. I'm just not a fan of getting shot in the hip. I mean been there, done that. I am having a hard time with that and keep trying to get out of it. So far I'm not having any luck. Mac doesn't seem too nervous about giving it to me, but me... I'm freaking out! And I know it only takes less then a minute, but DANG IT... IT HURTS!!!! They did say I could ice the skin for three minutes before hand, but I some how doubt that is going to lessen the pain.
I will know more tomorrow after I get back from the doctors. I will post the results when I hear.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Week 4 - IVF Journey
For those that follow me on Facebook, you know I've been having a bad three weeks emotionally trying to deal with Dex's behavioral issues. I am so emotionally and mentally drained from thinking about it everyday, so this has not been a good week. My heart is hurting. Sorry if my post today is not very uplifting.
The MET went good. A little uncomfortable, but it wasn't too bad. I have to remember not to hold my breath during these types of procedures. It doesn't help as much as I think it does. Everything looked good. They saw nothing crazy, so we move on to the next step.
We had our injections class right after the MET procedure. We've taken the short class before, but this was a two hour class. There were only two men in the room, and Mac was one of them. He's such a good man. He sat through a slide show that had various pictures of a vagina and how a normal cycle works from the beginning to menstruation. Bless his heart, he is a trooper. Men in general like hands on, so I knew as soon as he saw all the needles in front of us he would perk up. He's pretty good at giving me injections already, but he learned how to give me one in the hip as well. The instructor made him show her and the class how he holds the needle, which she said to hold in as if it were a dart. She gave us a fake butt cheek and that is what he practiced on. When he showed the whole class, everyone's face showed (except the other gentlemen) shear panic. I wanted to fall out. Even the instruction said, "Oh, uh, yeah. A little softer this time. Remember you're not playing darts, just hold it like one." She looked at me as if to say, 'I feel sorry for you.' Haha. I trust him and have faith that he will not hurt me too bad. I mean there's only so much he can do since it's a shot in my hip. That's just bad any way you look at it.
So Tuesday I took my last BC pill. I am SO happy. Those things were horrible. I have gained at least 7lbs in three weeks from being on them. The constant bloating, irritability, nausea, etc was just too much. But I am done with them for now. I had blood work and an ultrasound done yesterday and everything looks good. The doctor said that my ovaries are "quiet", which is what they want. I received my box full of meds yesterday... yay. I start stemming with my first two injections on Saturday. If all goes well the two procedures should be some time the week of September 26.
The MET went good. A little uncomfortable, but it wasn't too bad. I have to remember not to hold my breath during these types of procedures. It doesn't help as much as I think it does. Everything looked good. They saw nothing crazy, so we move on to the next step.
We had our injections class right after the MET procedure. We've taken the short class before, but this was a two hour class. There were only two men in the room, and Mac was one of them. He's such a good man. He sat through a slide show that had various pictures of a vagina and how a normal cycle works from the beginning to menstruation. Bless his heart, he is a trooper. Men in general like hands on, so I knew as soon as he saw all the needles in front of us he would perk up. He's pretty good at giving me injections already, but he learned how to give me one in the hip as well. The instructor made him show her and the class how he holds the needle, which she said to hold in as if it were a dart. She gave us a fake butt cheek and that is what he practiced on. When he showed the whole class, everyone's face showed (except the other gentlemen) shear panic. I wanted to fall out. Even the instruction said, "Oh, uh, yeah. A little softer this time. Remember you're not playing darts, just hold it like one." She looked at me as if to say, 'I feel sorry for you.' Haha. I trust him and have faith that he will not hurt me too bad. I mean there's only so much he can do since it's a shot in my hip. That's just bad any way you look at it.
So Tuesday I took my last BC pill. I am SO happy. Those things were horrible. I have gained at least 7lbs in three weeks from being on them. The constant bloating, irritability, nausea, etc was just too much. But I am done with them for now. I had blood work and an ultrasound done yesterday and everything looks good. The doctor said that my ovaries are "quiet", which is what they want. I received my box full of meds yesterday... yay. I start stemming with my first two injections on Saturday. If all goes well the two procedures should be some time the week of September 26.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Week 3 - IVF Journey
Ok, WOW, what a week. For starters, the evening of my last post was a nightmare. My pup got scared and redirected his fear at me and I ended up in the hospital. He left two nice size holes in my arm, close to my elbow. One is healing great and the other was way deep and is taking it's time healing. That depth of that hole was about 3/4 the length of his bottom canine tooth. If you know Dexter... that's a big tooth. Haha. Anyway, other then having to take these nasty antibiotics (making me very sick), and some residual pain in my arm, I'm good. And I am not mad at Dex, and no I'm not putting him down or rehoming him. He is mine, I love him. He just has some behavioral issues that we are going to try to work through. I'm not giving up on him.
I am finally getting use to the BC pills. I have a couple more weeks and I'm done with those. Yay. But then comes the other nasty meds. I got my protocol sheet and it looks like I'm doing the Lupron Trigger Protocol. Here is what it looks like for me:
Medications:
I go tomorrow morning for the MET and injections class. Wish me luck!!!!
I am finally getting use to the BC pills. I have a couple more weeks and I'm done with those. Yay. But then comes the other nasty meds. I got my protocol sheet and it looks like I'm doing the Lupron Trigger Protocol. Here is what it looks like for me:
Medications:
- Birth Control Pills - 21-day pack
- Cetrotide Syringes - Daily injections (in my stomach)
- Gonadotropin FSH (Gonal F) and Luveris - Daily injections (in my stomach)
- Lupron w/1ml luerlock syringe, 22g 1.5" needle - Intramuscular (in my behind)
- Zithromax
- Estrace - Daily after egg retrieval
- Endometrin - Daily after egg retrieval
- Children's Aspirin - Daily
- Prenatal Vitamin - Daily
- HCG - Intramuscular (in my behind again)
I go tomorrow morning for the MET and injections class. Wish me luck!!!!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Week 2 - IVF Journey
So today starts two weeks into our IVF treatments. I am getting used to the pills now. I still have stomach pains and headaches daily but the nausea has gone away. For now. I got a call from my nurse and we setup my MET (Mock Embryo Transfer) and the two hour injections class that both Mac and I have to attend. I'm only going to the class to take notes. I can't look at those needles, therefore I do not give myself the shots. I would pass out if I had to. Thank God I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband that wants to help. Wait... is it that he wants to help or that he gets some sort of sick pleasure from jabbing a sharp metal object into my stomach every day? Hmm? LOL... I'm just kidding. I know I have a great man and am thankful for that.
So both things are being done on September 2nd. The MET (Mock Embryo Transfer) is just that... a mock drill for the real thing that will happen some time mid September. It measures the angle and depth of my cervix and uterus and the thickness of my uterine lining. They do this by inserting a long catheter through my cervix to my uterus. It's necessary to ensure the actual embryo transfer goes smoothly and embryo implantation is optimized. Doesn't that sound lovely. Oh and I forgot to mention that I have to do this with a full bladder. Yup... I know... fun!!!
That's all I have for now. Need to go feed myself because these pills make me hungry. Another bad side effect. I love food so it's not all that bad... but I could do without the weight gain and bloated feeling all day. Yuck!
So both things are being done on September 2nd. The MET (Mock Embryo Transfer) is just that... a mock drill for the real thing that will happen some time mid September. It measures the angle and depth of my cervix and uterus and the thickness of my uterine lining. They do this by inserting a long catheter through my cervix to my uterus. It's necessary to ensure the actual embryo transfer goes smoothly and embryo implantation is optimized. Doesn't that sound lovely. Oh and I forgot to mention that I have to do this with a full bladder. Yup... I know... fun!!!
That's all I have for now. Need to go feed myself because these pills make me hungry. Another bad side effect. I love food so it's not all that bad... but I could do without the weight gain and bloated feeling all day. Yuck!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Week 1 - IVF Journey
So we just got back from the beach yesterday, wishing I was still there, but its nice to sleep in my own bed. We started the treatments on Wednesday and its been crap. I have to take birth control pills for 21 days before the fun 10-12 days of injections start. The pills are the worst and making me very sick. I wake up nauseous with sharp shooting stomach pains. I don't miss these things at all. They suck big time. I have 17 days left and I hope they go by fast.
I'm going to lay down now. Will post again soon.
I'm going to lay down now. Will post again soon.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Our IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization) Journey
I'm sorry I've been out of touch. I know it's been a couple months since I last updated about our struggles with conceiving. I'm here now and going to try to fill you in without missing something, but a lot has happened in our lives.
For starters, Mac and I were told by our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) that we could do another IUI cycle and risk having another ectopic pregnancy (your chance doubles when you've had one previously), or we could go forth with IVF. Those three letters send a wave of emotions through my body every time I say them. I spent a lot of time asking why this was happening to us. "I can't believe we have to go through this... we're healthy 35 year olds... what's the problem?" Well I'm done asking because I get no where. The more I ask the more I stay in this place of self pity. After a lot of discussion, we decided that we wanted to do this, but we had to come up with the money. I had half of the cost in a savings account that I received from my accident settlement and the other half we would need to get a loan. Yikes! We already had two car loans, a mortgage and an used up equity line of credit loan... what were we to do? One of the options was to decrease some of the loan amounts, but no dice for the mortgages or the car loans. Mac made a decision and traded in his fully loaded 2006 Dodge Magnum R/T w/a HEMI and custom wheels. That car was his baby, but now he was making a sacrifice so he could try to have a baby of his own. I was in awe of his commitment to see this through to the end.
After we made the decision to go forth with IVF, we talked to our RE and he wanted us to take two months off to make sure the chemo drugs were out of my system. He gave us an option of doing one IVF treatment per cycle or try their Shared Risk Program (SRP). The SRP allows couples who don't have any insurance coverage for IVF to try up to six times for one flat rate. If you don't get a live birth after six tries you get a full refund. We can also cancel at anytime and get a full refund. Once we gave the the okay I had to go in for a few tests and since all came back good our RE went ahead and presented our case to the SRP committee. They approved us for the program and a contract was drawn up. We just got the contract last night and I delivered it this morning with the full payment. We're on our way!!!!!
I will start the medical treatments as soon as my next cycle starts, which should be in the next two weeks. The IVF process takes longer then a normal cycle and an IUI cycle, so we want to get started now. We have to go to a self injections class (two hours long) so Mac can learn how to mix the meds and then inject them into my stomach. He got pretty good at this with the last two IUI cycles, but now the injections have tripled. Then I have to go through a Mock Embryo Transfer. Not looking forward to it. The first IVF process from day one should last approximately 26-30 days.
My protocol looks like this:
Step One - Ovulation Induction
Hormone injections are given to stimulate multiple egg production rather than the single egg normally produced by the body each month. Daily gonadotropin injections are then added to stimulate the development of the eggs (3 to 4 shots a day for 10-14 days). These are usually given subcutaneously (under the skin) and are much less uncomfortable than the previous generations of medication. I will then go to the doctors every few days so they can monitor the progress of ovulation induction with ultrasounds and blood estrogen levels. Once I'm ready to trigger Mac will need to give me an injection in the rear... not looking forward to that at all.
An egg retrieval is performed by placing a special needle into the ovarian follicle and removing the fluid that contains the egg. This is a relatively minor procedure and is performed by visualizing the follicles with a vaginal ultrasound probe. A needle is directed alongside the probe, through the vaginal wall, and into the ovary. To avoid any discomfort, strong, short acting intravenous sedation is provided.
Step Three - Fertilization and Embryo Culture
Once the follicular fluid is removed from the follicle, the eggs are identified by the embryologist and placed into an incubator. The eggs are fertilized with sperm later that day by conventional insemination (meaning Mac's swimmers have to do the work).
During conventional insemination approximately 50,000 sperm are placed with each egg in a culture dish and left together overnight to undergo the fertilization process.
The eggs will be checked the following day to document fertilization and again the next day to evaluate for early cell division. They are now called embryos and are placed in a solution called media to promote growth.
On day two or three after fertilization, the embryos will be evaluated for blastocyst culture. If there is a sufficient number of dividing embryos they will be placed in special blastocyst media and grown for two or three additional days.
Embryos may be transferred on day 3, 5, or 6 after egg retrieval. Transfers on day 5 or 6 are called Blastocyst Transfers. They are placed through the cervix into the uterine cavity using a small, soft catheter. This procedure usually requires no anesthesia. It is similar to the Mock Embryo Transfer which will be performed prior to the actual IVF cycle. I'm pretty sure that I may have to get the anesthesia.
If I'm pregnant, they will follow my progress with blood work and ultrasounds for four weeks before referring me back to my obstetrician for continued care.
So now you have an idea of what we're willing to go through to have a child of our own. It's not for the faint of heart. You have to be mentally, physically and emotionally strong. Don't get me wrong, I have my weak moments, but I also have God walking with me through this journey and he is who gives me strength.
"The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him." - Exodus 15-2
Thank you for following along on this incredible roller coaster ride with us. Stay tuned for updates and I will try to do better at updating our blog.
LY!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Our TTC Journey - Condensed
I have finally decided to talk about our journey to have a baby. It's a very private and personal journey with a lot of highs and lows. I have found that it helps to talk about it. We have been trying to conveive for 22 months. We thought that we could do it on our own, but after a year of trying, we finally made the dreaded appointment with a Fertility Specialist at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic. We were sent for several tests and both of us were fine (normal). There was no reason for why we haven't been able to conceive, so we fell into that group cateorgized as "Unexplained Infertility".
Definition of unexplained infertility:
Infertility cases in which the standard infertility testing has not found a cause for the failure to conceive. Unexplained infertility is also referred to as idiopathic infertility. Another way to explain it is the "doctors can't figure it out" group.
We were told that we could continue to try on our own, but the chance of us conceiving naturally was only 3%. Very shocking to hear. We were advised that we were good candidates for the IUI w/injections program. IUI stands for Interuterine Insemination. That is where they take a fresh sample from Mac, wash it and weed out any bad swimmers and keep only the good. Then with a long catheter, the specialist will insert the sample directly into my uterus, bypassing the cervix. It sounds complicated but the process is vitually pain free and takes about five minutes. Before the actual procedure, at the start of a new cycle, I will take a few medicines, two of which are injections that Mac will administer in my stomach. We decided that we would give it a try.
The first IUI was in January and failed. The second IUI was put on hold because the injectable medicines had left two very large cysts on my right ovary. We held off an entire cycle (30 days, but felt like 60). We did the third IUI procedure on April 11. On April 26 we found out I was pregnant, but my beta numbers were very low. I had to go back on April 28 for more testing and my betas numbers were still low but rising. Back again on April 30 and the same results. Our doctors said they were cautiously opptimistic but they thought I was either going to miscarry or have a possible ectopic pregnancy. The next week would prove to be a very discouraging week. It was confirmed on May 5 that we were pregnant but that it was ectopic (in my right tube). They administered three shots in my hips that morning. Two were called Methotrexate (a chemotherapy drug that stops the growth of rapidly dividing cells, such as embryonic, fetal, and early placenta cells.) and one called Rhogan. We found out that I was Rh Negative and this shot protects me from making antibodies to Rh-positive blood. After two more days of beta tests my numbers continued to increase. On Mothers Day I was instructed to have an ob ultrasound and a second round of Methotrexate. That was a pretty depressing day. Most women are celebrating being mothers and I was saying goodbye to our baby.
Over the next few days, we mourned but we had also resolved that it just wasn't in Gods plan at this time. We were ready to move on with treatments as soon as the doctor gave us the go ahead. I went back to the doctor that week for another beta test and ultrasound. We got the news we were dreading. My numbers were still increasing and emergency Laproscopic surgery was needed. We were sent to Holy Cross Hospital and in a couple hours I was taken back to the OR. Everything was happening so fast. I was so scared and nervous. I was in good hands according to the fertility specialists and hospital. Within six hours we were on our way home... in a lot of pain both physcially and emotionally. The doctor found the pregnancy in my right tube and it has grown so much that my entire tube had to be removed. They also did a D&C at the same time and found that my uterus was clear and my left tube was clean. That was good news... I think.
For the next few days until present day I have been resting and just taking it easy. I am still in a great deal of pain physically (four holes and two incisions in my stomach), and had an allergic reaction to the Betadine they used. But everyday is getting a little better. I have been doing a lot of personal reflection and taking time to consider our next move, which seems to be IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). I was told this morning that we would have to wait at least two months before we could try again. It will be a very long two months, if not longer.
Mac and I know that we are very blessed to have been able to get pregnant at all. We are hopeful that the future will bring us a little one... or two. We put all our trust in God. Only he knows what the outcome will be. We are going to take one day at a time. If its in his plans we will praise him... if its not in his plans we will praise him.
Someone sent me this video and it hits so close to home for Mac and I. It sums up what we are feeling and what we have been going through. Turn it up!
http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html
Definition of unexplained infertility:
Infertility cases in which the standard infertility testing has not found a cause for the failure to conceive. Unexplained infertility is also referred to as idiopathic infertility. Another way to explain it is the "doctors can't figure it out" group.
We were told that we could continue to try on our own, but the chance of us conceiving naturally was only 3%. Very shocking to hear. We were advised that we were good candidates for the IUI w/injections program. IUI stands for Interuterine Insemination. That is where they take a fresh sample from Mac, wash it and weed out any bad swimmers and keep only the good. Then with a long catheter, the specialist will insert the sample directly into my uterus, bypassing the cervix. It sounds complicated but the process is vitually pain free and takes about five minutes. Before the actual procedure, at the start of a new cycle, I will take a few medicines, two of which are injections that Mac will administer in my stomach. We decided that we would give it a try.
The first IUI was in January and failed. The second IUI was put on hold because the injectable medicines had left two very large cysts on my right ovary. We held off an entire cycle (30 days, but felt like 60). We did the third IUI procedure on April 11. On April 26 we found out I was pregnant, but my beta numbers were very low. I had to go back on April 28 for more testing and my betas numbers were still low but rising. Back again on April 30 and the same results. Our doctors said they were cautiously opptimistic but they thought I was either going to miscarry or have a possible ectopic pregnancy. The next week would prove to be a very discouraging week. It was confirmed on May 5 that we were pregnant but that it was ectopic (in my right tube). They administered three shots in my hips that morning. Two were called Methotrexate (a chemotherapy drug that stops the growth of rapidly dividing cells, such as embryonic, fetal, and early placenta cells.) and one called Rhogan. We found out that I was Rh Negative and this shot protects me from making antibodies to Rh-positive blood. After two more days of beta tests my numbers continued to increase. On Mothers Day I was instructed to have an ob ultrasound and a second round of Methotrexate. That was a pretty depressing day. Most women are celebrating being mothers and I was saying goodbye to our baby.
Over the next few days, we mourned but we had also resolved that it just wasn't in Gods plan at this time. We were ready to move on with treatments as soon as the doctor gave us the go ahead. I went back to the doctor that week for another beta test and ultrasound. We got the news we were dreading. My numbers were still increasing and emergency Laproscopic surgery was needed. We were sent to Holy Cross Hospital and in a couple hours I was taken back to the OR. Everything was happening so fast. I was so scared and nervous. I was in good hands according to the fertility specialists and hospital. Within six hours we were on our way home... in a lot of pain both physcially and emotionally. The doctor found the pregnancy in my right tube and it has grown so much that my entire tube had to be removed. They also did a D&C at the same time and found that my uterus was clear and my left tube was clean. That was good news... I think.
For the next few days until present day I have been resting and just taking it easy. I am still in a great deal of pain physically (four holes and two incisions in my stomach), and had an allergic reaction to the Betadine they used. But everyday is getting a little better. I have been doing a lot of personal reflection and taking time to consider our next move, which seems to be IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). I was told this morning that we would have to wait at least two months before we could try again. It will be a very long two months, if not longer.
Mac and I know that we are very blessed to have been able to get pregnant at all. We are hopeful that the future will bring us a little one... or two. We put all our trust in God. Only he knows what the outcome will be. We are going to take one day at a time. If its in his plans we will praise him... if its not in his plans we will praise him.
Someone sent me this video and it hits so close to home for Mac and I. It sums up what we are feeling and what we have been going through. Turn it up!
http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html
Monday, March 22, 2010
"One Little Word" Project Day
On Saturday, March 6th, mom and I set out early to spend a few hours crafting a "One Little Word" piece of art. It was being held at a lady's house from church. I was a little skeptical at first because I don't know these women and I don't have an artistic bone in my body. If there isn't dirt, a bat, a ball, a pole, a worm or a hook, I'm pretty much out of my element. I decided as I was getting ready that morning to just let God take over me and guide my hand on the canvas.
We arrived a little late (thanks to me waiting until last minute to get my car inspected), but all the ladies were very welcoming. I had seen all of them before. Turns out they are all members of my mom's womens small group at church. I had that thought running through my head, "Oh great. I can only imagine the stuff they've heard about me. Not good." Our teacher was Diane, who was very excited and so patient with all of us, whom had no clue what we were doing.
As nervous as I was about making a fool out of myself, we were ready to begin. We started off with a blank canvas that we had to paint a background on. Diane asked us our color choices and then we created the background by blending those colors. I was more intrigued by all the different color combination's the other women were choosing. After that we painted the letters of our one word with colors that would really stand out on the canvas. Diane then instructed us to go pick out things to put on our canvas that were in relation to the word that we chose and that were important to us and our walk with God. As I walked around looking for items I was really checking out the other ladies "one little words". They were so into it. They were putting all these trinkets and things on their canvas. Perfectly placed like it was God himself who had put them there. I looked at my not so pretty background and painted letters and thought there was no way that ugly thing would ever be pretty enough to show anyone. But with the help of Diane's adopted daughters I was able to get started and my ugly canvas was starting to look like something. I just didn't know what. I had so much stuff on my canvas I didn't know what to do with all of it. Diane told me it's not about having a lot of stuff, or having them perfectly placed. That's when I started to get it... I'm not perfect either, so stop trying to achieve perfection in everything I do.
My word, and my mom's word was "Trust". This is a very small word, that has big meaning for me because I don't trust a lot people... and was really having a hard time trusting God. Just the past ten months have been very challenging for Mac and I. His mother who is physically disabled and mentally unstable had been living with us for the past seven months. I cannot begin to describe how bad it was. I will just say that when your dog has to be prescribed Prozac for anxiety, it's not good. And no I didn't give it to him, but had contemplated taking it my myself many times. There were many days that I prayed for her to get well enough to go back to her own home and let Mac and I finally enjoy being newlyweds, but it didn't happen, so I lost trust in God. He wasn't answering my prayers. On top of that, and only a select few family members and friends know this, but Mackie and I have been trying to conceive our first child for 18 months now. We have put our faith and I thought our trust in God but it wasn't until I went to Diane's house that I realized that I haven't really been trusting him at all. I said I did, but deep inside I knew I didn't. I couldn't. Pat was still living my house and he hadn't given Mackie and I our hearts desire yet. Why should I trust him?
As I sat there placing the trinkets and gadgets on the canvas I realized that I needed to put my Heavenly Father first and to trust in him 100%. Pat wasn't still living with us because God wanted to irritate me. She was still there because Mac needed time to feel secure with his decision to let her go back home. I wasn't thinking about his feelings. Just my own. And as far as having a baby goes... we're not being punished. Its in God's time, not ours. He knows what is best for us. I have resolved that I do TRUST the LORD and that if it's his will for us to have a baby, then we will. And if we don't, then I TRUST him fully to know that there's purpose behind that. I may not know what that purpose is here on this earth, but I will know what it is when I finally meet him.
We are all blank canvases in the beginning... its the choices we make in this life that fill up our canvas.
Here are a few pictures from that life changing day.
If you are interested in learning more about "One Little Word", please check out Diane's blog. She's amazing and so glad that she is apart of our church family at New Hope!
We arrived a little late (thanks to me waiting until last minute to get my car inspected), but all the ladies were very welcoming. I had seen all of them before. Turns out they are all members of my mom's womens small group at church. I had that thought running through my head, "Oh great. I can only imagine the stuff they've heard about me. Not good." Our teacher was Diane, who was very excited and so patient with all of us, whom had no clue what we were doing.
As nervous as I was about making a fool out of myself, we were ready to begin. We started off with a blank canvas that we had to paint a background on. Diane asked us our color choices and then we created the background by blending those colors. I was more intrigued by all the different color combination's the other women were choosing. After that we painted the letters of our one word with colors that would really stand out on the canvas. Diane then instructed us to go pick out things to put on our canvas that were in relation to the word that we chose and that were important to us and our walk with God. As I walked around looking for items I was really checking out the other ladies "one little words". They were so into it. They were putting all these trinkets and things on their canvas. Perfectly placed like it was God himself who had put them there. I looked at my not so pretty background and painted letters and thought there was no way that ugly thing would ever be pretty enough to show anyone. But with the help of Diane's adopted daughters I was able to get started and my ugly canvas was starting to look like something. I just didn't know what. I had so much stuff on my canvas I didn't know what to do with all of it. Diane told me it's not about having a lot of stuff, or having them perfectly placed. That's when I started to get it... I'm not perfect either, so stop trying to achieve perfection in everything I do.
My word, and my mom's word was "Trust". This is a very small word, that has big meaning for me because I don't trust a lot people... and was really having a hard time trusting God. Just the past ten months have been very challenging for Mac and I. His mother who is physically disabled and mentally unstable had been living with us for the past seven months. I cannot begin to describe how bad it was. I will just say that when your dog has to be prescribed Prozac for anxiety, it's not good. And no I didn't give it to him, but had contemplated taking it my myself many times. There were many days that I prayed for her to get well enough to go back to her own home and let Mac and I finally enjoy being newlyweds, but it didn't happen, so I lost trust in God. He wasn't answering my prayers. On top of that, and only a select few family members and friends know this, but Mackie and I have been trying to conceive our first child for 18 months now. We have put our faith and I thought our trust in God but it wasn't until I went to Diane's house that I realized that I haven't really been trusting him at all. I said I did, but deep inside I knew I didn't. I couldn't. Pat was still living my house and he hadn't given Mackie and I our hearts desire yet. Why should I trust him?
As I sat there placing the trinkets and gadgets on the canvas I realized that I needed to put my Heavenly Father first and to trust in him 100%. Pat wasn't still living with us because God wanted to irritate me. She was still there because Mac needed time to feel secure with his decision to let her go back home. I wasn't thinking about his feelings. Just my own. And as far as having a baby goes... we're not being punished. Its in God's time, not ours. He knows what is best for us. I have resolved that I do TRUST the LORD and that if it's his will for us to have a baby, then we will. And if we don't, then I TRUST him fully to know that there's purpose behind that. I may not know what that purpose is here on this earth, but I will know what it is when I finally meet him.
We are all blank canvases in the beginning... its the choices we make in this life that fill up our canvas.
Here are a few pictures from that life changing day.
If you are interested in learning more about "One Little Word", please check out Diane's blog. She's amazing and so glad that she is apart of our church family at New Hope!
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