Empty and Broken

I don't know what is going on with me, but this week I have felt so broken and empty. This is not a feeling that I like right now or one that I have very often, despite my struggles. I know a lot of my aches and pains come from battling both infertility and the issues with Dexter. I feel like such a failure to myself, my husband, Dexter and Zelda. I feel as if I am letting all of us down. Because of this I am becoming increasing irritable with things that normally don't bother me. As I sit here at work (yes, I said at work) listening to someone clank their spoon against their bowl trying to get the last bit of oatmeal off the sides, I am seething. I never say anything, I just let the irritability party happen inside.

I think it's evident that I feel less of a woman now because I will never be able to conceive a child naturally, but that isn't the sole reason for the emptiness I am feeling. I wish I could put my finger on the pulse of why this is happening.

I know a lot of it has to do with Dexter. How could I rescue him at six months and now at 32 months we're contemplating euthanasia for his aggression. We are the problem, not him. I feel that way. I can't comprehend him just becoming like this because of bad breeding. My heart aches for him when I think about the life he's living inside. I know if I hate feeling this way, he has to as well. I just can't help but feel that there is something... someone... better out their for him. At times he's so happy and other times he's so sad. We can't roll around with him the way we do with Zelda. We can't play fetch the way we use to. What kind of life is that? He spends his days sleeping and his night getting belly rubs and praise when he's calm. What kind of life is that? He has fun running around with Zelda, but what is his purpose? He wears a muzzle in the house because we don't know when he'll snap. What kind of life is that?

I have decide that I am going to take a chance and work with him more outside... do things to stimulate his brain and make them all positive. A lot of fetch and frisbee. I will make sure to keep myself guarded and protected. But this is something I have to do.

I don't feel God in my life right now. I don't know where he is but I want him to come back. I need to feel him again.

Moving On to Procedure #5... FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer)

We had our follow-up appointment today. It went as expected. Dr. Greenhouse diagnosed me with tubal disease. Turns out that my tubes were not blocked, but they were not functioning either. So what happened was that the embryos that were transferred back into me on December 6 made their way to my left tube, and because my tube was diseased it couldn't spit them back out into my uterus. So the embryos implanted into my left tube where they continued to grow. They were shocked at how big the sac was, which led them to believe that it was multiples that implanted.

So we are moving on and going to try the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) with the two embryos that were frozen last cycle. The FET cycle will start as soon as my period starts, which will hopefully be this week some time. The protocol is a little different then the fresh IVF cycles.

Cycle Starts (period)
Birth Control Pills (2-3 weeks)
Delestrogen (Intra-Muscular Injection) - Every three days for two weeks.
Progesterone (Intra-Muscular Injection) - Twice daily for at least six weeks.
Transfer

It seems that this cycle will last around 6-7 weeks, not including the dreaded two week wait.

As far as how I'm doing now... it gets better with every day that passes. The pain from the Carbon Dioxide Gas (CDG) is starting to decrease as the CDG seeps out of my system... slowly. I'm still in a considerable amount of pain, but it is getting better. Once the CDG is out of my system I will have to deal with the pain of the actual surgery/incisions. I'm sure it's not going to be that bad. I am just overly anxious to get this next cycle started.

Thank you for all the well wishes and prayers. We're so blessed to have you in our lives.

Stay tuned...

Week 6 - IVF #2 Journey... Not So Merry Christmas!

The week of Christmas was going better then any week in the past few months. I received a call Monday by nurse whom told me that we were in fact pregnant... very very pregnant. My beta numbers were 1500. Wednesday my beta numbers were 2549. Thursday my beta numbers were 3501. We were so excited... so excited!!!! Conception was on Mac's birthday and the due date was my mom's birthday. That night I had some break through bleeding, so my doctor wanted me to come in the next morning for an early ultrasound.

The morning of Christmas Eve was not suppose to start the way it did. Mac and I got up and went to the doctor to for a first ultrasound to see if we could see any signs of our baby in my uterus. What we got was something that left us speechless, crying and devastated. Dr. Nair (a specialist at SGFC in Rockville) showed us a big sac with an already formed yolk sac in my left fallopian tube. Shock took over my body. We were escorted to a meeting room, one that I have been in before, to discuss our options. There didn't seem like there was much we could do. Doctor Nair insisted that I get the Methrotrexate (chemo) shot again to try and dissolve the pregnancy. I refused. I just felt like it was useless because last time I had to get two shots and neither worked. She continued to tell me how important it was to either get the shot today or have surgery. I refused both and left, but not before she made me sign a piece of paper that said I understood that I could get home and die tonight if the ectopic pregnancy was to rupture. I signed and left. There were a lot of tears shed on the way home.

I decided to finish my shopping, so Mac went his way and I went mine. I had just taken the first sip out of my Venti White Chocolate Mocha w/Extra Whip (no decaf), when I got a call from my own doctor who insisted I get to the hospital immediately because the pictures didn't look good. SON OF A B! He told me to get on the road and he would try and reach the ER doctor at Holy Cross Hospital. I was pissed at this point. I was going to lose my baby on Christmas Eve. Just not a good day. I decided to go finish some more shopping and finish up my WCM. Please keep in mind I hadn't had Starbucks since mid November. Actually haven't had coffee at all since mid November, so I was going to finish it dang it. I ran into my sister Brandy in the parking lot, which was comforting to see her at that time.

I was waiting in a really really long line at Toys R Us in Kingstowne when I got the call from the ER surgeon who said he would see me shortly. Yeah right, he's going to have to wait, I have one more stop.

I finished got home and Mac was waiting for me... devastated that we had to go through this yet again... and especially tonight. We made it to the hospital around 2:15pm. I was going into surgery around 5:15pm. What a nightmare!!!! The doctor came and told Mac that I had made it just in time because the tube had already ruptured and I was bleeding internally in my abdomen. He got it out just in time. He said I probably wouldn't have made it through the night because I would have bled out.

Christmas Day I managed to make it over to my moms. It was great to be with the family. I really needed that support from them. It's been a few days and I am still in a lot of pain. Not so much from the three nasty incisions I have again, but from all the Carbon Dioxide Gas that is still in my body. It takes a while to get out of my system and I can't get comfortable. The gas seeps up to my shoulders causing excruciating pain and also sits on my diaphragm causing me not to be able to breathe. Its very painful. I have to sleep sitting straight up. Literally. Mac has been great, but I believe is getting sick of me always wincing because of the pain. I have meds and trust me, I've been taking them, but it takes at least two or three to even knock me out enough not to feel anything. The last ectopic was nothing like this.

So that's where we are now. We have a meeting with our doctor on Wednesday to discuss the next steps. I now have no fallopian tubes, so what's the chance of another tubal pregnancy? What's the chance of another ectopic pregnancy? We have a lot of questions. And Mac is NOT happy, so he plans on being a little more firm about this. Whatever happens again, I'm prepared for it.

Even though we suffered a devastating loss this Christmas holiday, it was still a great Christmas because I was with family. God answered that prayer for me. I guess he knew what I was going to need.

Stay tuned as I will let you know what happens at the meeting Wednesday.

Week 3 - IVF #2 Journey... Freezing Going On!

So I just got a call and wanted to share with all of you. Out of the remaining embryos we had leftover after the transfer, two of them made it to extended Blastocyst stage, which means they are now Cyropreserved (frozen). I am so excited I could jump around, but I'm not allowed to do any activities for another few days, so I am settled here in my chair about to bust a stitch with excitement.

I know some of you are wondering why I'm so excited. The news is like a double-edge sword. In one way it's good because if this #2 cycle doesn't work, then we can move right on to #3 and use the frozen embryos instead of doing another fresh cycle. It means WAY less injections (meds). However, the downside of that is not having this cycle work. We would much rather have this cycle be positive and not have to worry about using the two frozen embies for a while. So you see... in a way it's good and in a way its not so good. I won't say it's bad, because there's nothing bad about it. The embryo quality is good or they would not have frozen them to begin with. It gives us a little bit of extra hope because the two they transferred on Monday were the two best embryos out of them all. Hope that makes sense.

Please know that its hard for someone like me to get excited about anything because of the constant disappointments in my life. I am prepared for whatever results we receive in a few weeks... good or bad... I am prepared because I gave it up to God a while ago. Doesn't mean that my heart doesn't break a little more with each negative result. But I know that God's hands are wiping each tear that falls.

My great friend Nancy sent an email a little while ago with a verse at the top... its one of my favorites... and for some reason has just been sitting in me since I read it. Right after receiving her email, I got the call with the good news. I know its God giving me what I need today. Thanks Nancy.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Have to run, but just wanted to send out a quick update.

Stay tuned...

Week 3 - IVF #2 Journey... Embryos Safe and Hopefully Sound!

The day of the transfer (Monday) was a special one... Mac's birthday! How cool would that be to have conceived our baby on its fathers birthday? Very cool if you're us! It started out very stressful, but our nerves were quickly calmed when our doctor walked through the door of the transfer room. What you need to understand is that through all our procedures, 2 IUI's and one IVF, we've never had "our" actual doctor perform a procedure. He works out of the Fair Oaks office most of the time, so we get to see a couple other doctors throughout this whole process, but we were pleasantly surprised to see Dr. Greenhouse. It was really cool having him do the transfer because we are very comfort with him and he knows everything about us from start to finish.

He started the appointment by letting me know that we had a number of embryos that they were going to watch for the next few days to see how they do, but that so far we had three embryos that made it to the Blastocyst stage and that they looked beautiful. He said they look better than the last embryos we transferred, that hadn't even made it to the Blast stage. He decided that we were going to transfer two of the best looking embryos. We are waiting on a call to find out how many, if any of the leftover embryos, made it to Freeze. We're hoping!!!

Mac got to watch the entire transfer this time. Last time he was on his new Droid X and didn't watch. This time he got to watch everything. I don't think he had a clue what he was seeing on the ultrasound. LOL. Once the transfer was complete they gave us a picture of our little embies. See photo attached below. Sorry it's not the best quality, but I took it with my phone.



I've been at home for two days. The doctors say bed rest for 24 hours, but I took an extra day to be safe. It maybe all psychological, but oh well. It's now a waiting game, which can be at times the worst part of the whole process. Typical implantation should happen between day 1 - day 5 of transfer. We are two days post transfer and I have been taking it easy. I'm sure Mac is ready for me to get back up on my feet again. My back is killing me, and it seems all I've done is work, so I'm ready too.

Our Beta (blood pregnancy test) is scheduled for December 20th. I don't know how much i'll be updating on here since there won't be much to talk about, but we'll see.

Week 3 - IVF #2 Journey... Transfer Set

I received a call yesterday, two days post retrieval, with an update. Out of the 12 eggs that fertilized, not many are doing well. We had two 2-cell embryos, four 4-cell embryos, 5 fragmenting, and one arrested. He said they planned on doing a Day 3 Transfer, which would be today. My nurse call later in the day to let me know that if my embryos continued to do great, they would most likely want to move to a Day 5 Blast Transfer.

Just got a call letting me know that they have moved us to a Day 5 Transfer. I hope, based on her voicemail, that means that our embryos are growing/dividing at a great pace. But we won't know for sure until we talk to our doctor. He's suppose to call today around 11am.

Mac is out hanging Christmas lights now (I hear a lot of thumping on the roof). I'm watching "A Christmas Carol (1938)", shocker. My favorite movie. I'm trying to get motivated to get up and hit up Home Goods and Pier 1, just to look around. Today is "Feed My Starving Children" at church. We'll be packaging food for kids all around the world. I can't wait to do Gods work today.

Hope you all have a blessed day. Stay tuned...

Week 3 - IVF #2 Journey... Who Made It?

At work today. Not sure what possessed me to come back today, but I'm here and pretty busy. I'm still in a fair amount of pain, but I can work through it. Tomorrow is our annual holiday luncheon here at work and I really hope I get my appetite back. It's at the Capitol Grille, and if any of you have been there then you know why I want my appetite back. Haha!

Just received a call from my nurse. Out of the 19 eggs retrieved, 14 were mature, 5 were immature, 2 of the 14 dissolved, which means that 12 of the eggs were fertilized. Now we just wait to see if the five end up maturing or dissolve, and hopefully the 12 that fertilized will start dividing quickly. It's less then the first cycle, but I'm not discouraged because in the end, all it takes it ONE.

Expecting a call around 11am tomorrow, so stay tuned...

Week 2 - IVF #2 Journey... Egg Retrieval Done!

The morning started off a little stressful. We did what we did and had two hours to get the precious cargo to surgical center. I kept the cargo nice and warm by carrying it in my bra. Hey, don't laugh. The little guys need to stay warm during transport. Haha! The egg retrieval time was scheduled for 11am, but we needed to be in Rockville at 9:30am. Anyone who lives in this area knows that trying to go from Springfield, VA to Rockville, MD on a Wednesday morning at the height of rush hour in the rain, with construction on 495, can be very frustrating. Thanks to Mac we made it there by 8:45am. We had to wait longer then normal because another patient was stuck in traffic. I wasn't mad because her retrieval was scheduled for 9:45am and I know how stressed out she must have been. I hope her retrieval was successful.

There were about six other women having retrievals during the time I was there. One woman didn't have any eggs retrieved. I wanted to cry for her. The second woman had seven. The norm is 10-12. The third woman had 4. At this point I was worried on how we would make out. It was now my turn. The anesthesiologist came in (he's the best), hooked me up and off we went. About 30 minutes later I was wheeled out into recovery. I'm not even sure how long I was out before they tried to wake me up. I was in A LOT of pain, so they quickly gave me some meds in my IV and I was back out again sleeping. This time I woke up in a little less pain. Upon leaving they let us know that all went great and they retrieved 19 eggs. I was so out of it I didn't say anything but I heard Mac say, "19? Really? 19?" It didn't hit me until I got home. Mac made me a bagel before heading off to work. He said the reason I am in so much pain is because of the amount and size of the eggs.

I'm still out of it right now. Mac made me dinner and I'm about ready to go back to sleep now that I have a full belly. I should be getting a call around noon tomorrow with the results of the first 24 hours. I'm optimistic, but I'm not above believing that all 19 didn't fertilize. I know how these things work. I will be happy if only a few fertilize, but the more that do, the better our chances. I pray that they fertilize and start dividing much quicker then they last cycle.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Stay tuned...

Week 2 - IVF #2 Journey... Ready, Set, TRIGGER!!!!

Halllllo! I wish you could hear me say that. Over the weekend we went to Ford's Theatre to see Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol". They really interact with the audience and the women would walk right up to us and say, "Hallllo!". I absolutely love it. It's the best way to kick off the holiday season.


Back to the reason why I'm blogging at 9:33pm on a Monday night. Tonight's the night. It's TRIGGER TIME!!! I'm not as nervous as I was last time because they gave me a smaller needle again. Yay! We have to trigger at 11pm. I am trying to stay up, but I doubt that's going to happen, it's already past my bed time.


Tomorrow is a free day. No meds, but I still have to be at the doctors for bloodwork at 7:30am. What was I thinking?


Egg Retrieval will be on Wednesday morning at 11am. When I got a call from my nurse today she said that I was responding beautifully this cycle. They measured 14 follicles that were all over 18. That's exciting.


I'm still feeling sick to my stomach, but they confirmed again today it's from the really high estrogen levels, which are well over 3000+.


Stay tuned...

Week 1 - #2 Journey... Not so Hungry on Thanksgiving!

It's the evening of Thanksgiving and I should be sitting here in a food coma, but I'm not. I thought I'd send a quick update since things are progressing at a much faster rate then last cycle. It seems everyday something changes, so I want to make sure I keep you filled in.

I spent my morning soaking in a hot bath to try to get rid of these chills. Didn't work, but felt good. Went to the doctors for monitoring. They measured six follies, three were greater then 10 and three were less then 10. Not sure why they chose only to measure six, but they know what they are doing. I add the third medication (Cetrotide) in tonight. Then start taking that every morning, with the usual at night. I HATE this medication. The injection itself isn't that bad, but the medicine burns going in. Not looking forward to this. Mac's mixing up all the doses now. Hold please... going to take the shots now.

SON... OF... A... FUDGE... CICLE... SHOOT... DAAAAAANG... that hurt!!!!! I'm okay, I'm okay, just me being a baby because Mac hit a blood vessel.

Anyhow... Mac had to take me to the doctor this morning because I was too weak to drive myself. My nurse Chris confirmed the reason I am so sick. And when I say sick, I don't mean with a cold. I mean... constant nausea, headaches, weakness, dizziness, chills, bloated (like my ovaries are going to burst right through my stomach), can barely drink anything, and before today, I hadn't eaten anything in three days. I can tell you with 100% accuracy that last cycle was NOTHING like this cycle. I asked my nurse to do a check on where I am now versus where I was at this point last cycle. That is when she confirmed why I am so sick. My estrogen levels last cycle on day 7 (today) were pushing 250. My estrogen level on day 7 of this cycle... 1500+. So it's the good old estrogen that is causing me to feel this crappy. Thanks Mrs. E!!!! Or since I'm feeling so irritable thanks to you, maybe I should address you as Mrs. B!!!! After my visit I headed home with a perscription of Zofran for the nausea. Thank you to whoever came up with that concoction. I HEART YOU!!!!

Before I pass out for the evening, I wanted to let all of my friends, family and followers know just how thankful I am to have you in my life. This Thanksgiving has been especially hard because my family is so disconnected emotionally/physically and because of all that Mac and I have been through and are going through during this time. I know that I could have gotten through it on my own, but I am sure glad that I didn't have to. Knowing all of you care and are praying for us means so much to us and we feel so blessed to have you in our lives.

My most sincere thanks goes to my Heavenly Father for Blessing me daily. He continues to come through for me in ways that are unexplainable. Some may question how I can be so thankful when we haven't been blessed with a baby after trying for two years, and it's fine to question that, but let me help you understand why I'm so thankful. It's quite simple... my reward will be in Heaven.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." - Psalm 107:1

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!!!!!